Confessions of a Texan

Source: http://www.huckleberryprairie.com/blog/chappell-hill-tx-scarecrow-festival/ 

I have a confession to make - 

I've spent the last almost 23 years of my life thinking it was illegal to pick bluebonnets. Every year, I anticipate that flip of the switch where the shoulders of our highways and grassy green hill country turn into a deep blue ocean of waves. Never once did I worry that someone would dare to pluck a bluebonnet from Texas soil....until yesterday.

We had a few visitors from our other offices this week. One Cooky Bird from another office in the great state of Texas decided to pull over on her way down to H-town to do the dirty. No, not that dirty (get your minds out of the gutter)...but she picked bluebonnets! I repeat, she picked BLUEBONNETS! As I passed the visitor office she was using for her stay, out of the corner of my eye I noticed them on the edge of her desk and gasped (quite loudly, I'm sure). I walked back up to my desk appalled that a Texan would do such a thing. Risk getting a fine just to bring a few bluebonnets that you picked up on the side of the road to the office with a view? Wow. So I immediately messaged a co-worker to A) tell her about how odd I thought it was that she randomly picked fresh flowers to bring to the office and stick in a vase, and B) that I was pretty sure it's illegal in the state of Texas to pick bluebonnets.

This is when I learned that B is false. FALSE?!!! How could it be? Well, my friends, there is actually no law that proves B to be true. Wait, what? Is this like the laws we learned as kids? Don't run with scissors in your hands; you'll cut yourself. Don't pick up tails-up pennies from the ground; they're unlucky. Don't go outside barefoot; you'll catch a cold. Don't sit too close to the TV; you'll go blind. Don't make that face, it'll get stuck. Don't, don't, don't.

Ok, so it may not be illegal, but I'm 99.9 percent sure it's bad joo-joo. And I'm 2010 percent* sure that it's especially bad joo-joo when you not only pick bluebonnets, but haphazardly shove them into a drinking glass after a 4 hour drive, and then before you leave, "share" them in the lunch room for every one else's viewing pleasure. See Exhibit A.

Exhibit A


Don't mess with Texas.

Thanks and Gig'em!

I'm Marcy Magoo, and I approve this message.

*whoop!

Tweet

Sticking it to the Man

Anyone who knows me can tell you that I am not a morning person. I never have been, nor will I ever be a morning person. No, I did not wake up on the wrong side of my bed, thank you very much. I happen to sleep in the middle of my bed, sometimes diagonally, not favoring one side over the other. I’m just not walkin’ on sunshine the minute my feet touch the ground. I will, however, at LEAST say “good morning” ….most times. I just need a minute (or 30). But by the time I get to work, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will not be enjoying the sweet, serene view of the insides of my eyelids, but rather a panoramic view of the City of Houston for the next 9 hours. I greet everyone who walks in with a smile, a “good morning”, and to a lucky bunch- a little small talk. All except for one person, one Very Important Person, return the favor. He saunters in at a quarter ‘til 9, briefcase in hand. I extend a greeting.

“Good morning!”

*…crickets...sideways stare…continues around the corner…*

Ummmmm...do I have something in my teeth? Was I speaking in tongues? Hello, can you hear me? Hell’s bells, am I a mute?! Excuse me,  sir , I said good morning! Don’t you have anything to say? I saw you make eye contact! That’s just as rude as when someone offers to let you in front of them in traffic and you don’t give them a courtesy wave! BLASPHEMY! (Side note to Mom & Dad- sorry for being such a morning crank growing up…but I feel as though I’ve improved a little, no?)

What’s that innocuous saying? Oh, yes- “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” I’m no quitter! I continue my barrage of greetings every morning just to see if I get even the slightest grin or whisper in return, but now I’ve got so many crickets I could open a snake feed store. Hmph!

I understand I’m not the only non-morning person in the world, so you may need an additional minute (or 90) once you get to work before you acknowledge anyone. I also understand that a person of your esteemed rank normally doesn’t interact with the peons and minions. I get it. I’m the low man on the totem pole…but I can only go up from here!  If I remember correctly, you were a frat daddy at that other school up the road, so I know for a fact you’ve got some social skills. All jokes aside, you’re a grown man and a leader; will a little courtesy kill you? Think your attempts at ignoring me will condition me into ceasing my innate Southern hospitality? FALSE! If you knew me, which you don’t,  sir , you’d also know that I like to have a little fun and mess with people. Challenge accepted! I’ll see your crickets, and raise you a “Have a good evening!”

A few weeks go by, crickets multiply further. Then one day, I noticed a pattern of sorts- a pattern of very acute and subtle cues. Eureka! Houston, we have communication. Albeit in the form of a non-verbal gesture, it’s still by modern definition, communication. I’ll take it. You think you’re pretty sly,  sir , don’t you? Sthneaky little sthnaaaake! Now I’ve got you.

Allow me to demonstrate what I like to call the “If, Then” cues of the man and his resulting mood.

*Moods subject to change rapidly, and varies between people.

After close examination, it’s nothing personal. It’s just the luck of the draw, I guess. But GOOD MORNING, DAMN IT!


P.S.
You're singing "Carry On My Wayward Son", aren't you? Sorry. If it's any consolation, it's stuck in my head too.

Tweet

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

While shampooing my hair post cardio work-out (shout out to 24hr Fitness!), I started lining up all the bottles from left to right in order of use. OCD? Maybe. I call it being efficient. I take long showers as it is, so I like to save time where I can. In the process of rearranging my face wash, shampoo and conditioner, I happened to notice the following note on the back of my face wash:  "Do not use Clearasil Daily Face Wash on infants under 6 months of age." Soooo.... are you telling me your eight pound, six ounce infant, who is just lyin' there, looking at his Baby Einstein development videos, learnin' about shapes and colors, who can't even talk yet (I think it's time to watch some Talladega Nights again), has baby acne? What numnut called in that question? "Yes, hello. My 4 month old baby has an oily t-zone, enlarged pores and a few embarrassing blemishes. The other babies at Mother's Day Out call him Pizza Face. He's also got a mild case of diaper rash. Can I just pop him an Accutane and bathe him in Noxzema?" (thanks, Rebecca) Hmm...I think I may have to give some of these customer service numbers a call to figure out who actually asked what question to force companies to print such warning labels on their products. This will be entertaining. Ok, back to organizing....left to right. Why do we start everything left to right just because we read left to right? Why do the Japanese read top-down from right to left? Any connection to the reason toilets flush backwards on the other side of the world? No...that's the Coriolis Effect. Ok, well the British still read left to right...but they drive on the opposite/wrong side. British accents are kind of funny...even a mad British accent still sounds funny- "Pish posh, poppycock!" They probably  DEFINITELY think Texans sound funny, but then again so does everyone else outside of Texas. How do British people sound American when they sing? What if we Americans sounded British when we sing?....or Russian? Dah.

Confused yet?

After my shower, I'm getting ready to crawl into bed and crash for the night. Shuffling down the hall, my sore muscles reminded me I needed a little IcyHot therapy. The last time I used IcyHot was after an intense training session with a personal trainer and I couldn't move. So I applied the IcyHot to my quads/hams and arms. Enter sensory conundrum. Different parts of my legs and arms were Icy and Hot at different times and I could not tell which was which. (Mmm, WhichWich's sammies are good.) So, last night, I thought I'd try to outsmart the IcyHot by timing when I applied it to my legs, back and arms. Wait for the Icy to turn Hot, wait a tick-tock or two, then GO! I failed miserably. IcyHot tag-teamed the hell out of my muscles, and again, I could not tell Icy from Hot. I eventually stopped trying to figure it out and let it do its magic. Not only did my muscles hurt, but so did my brain.

Tweet

If Laundry Had Feelings

What if laundry had feelings? Do you think some articles of clothing would get jealous? Take socks, for example. I would imagine that if laundry had feelings, socks would be jealous of underwear. Even on their best day, after a good run through a hot spin cycle/tumble dry combo, a pair of socks still looks dirty and worn. They have to spend all day hiding inside dark and smelly tennis shoes on sweaty feet. They keep your toes warm in the winter. And then, the evil dryer gnome breaks hearts by kidnapping a sock's significant other. Underwear, *dramatic pause* on the other hand,  receives special treatment- at least ladies underwear does. Underwear earns top billing in the top dresser drawer. They get the celebrity spa treatment on delicate cycle and are often line-dried. Underwear belongs to an elite multi-billion dollar industry modeled by world-famous super models. So many different styles- some even diamond encrusted. Underwear leaves a legacy. You know who models socks? A mannequin. Sometimes not even a full mannequin....just a nub of a leg from the mid-calf down. I'm fairly certain, if laundry had feelings, socks would be jealous.

Tweet

Project 1-800

I had a string of random thoughts last night as I was showering and getting ready for a great snooze-fest. What's new? And yes, I will monoBlogue about it later. But through one of my P.T.T.'s, (post-thought-tangents for you new readers) I've decided to start a new project- Calling the 1-800-Customer Service lines to figure out what questions people are actually calling to ask about their beloved consumer products. I may come up with a few quacky questions of my own.

I will report back with my findings and conclusions about our curious nation. I have an inkling this will be quite entertaining. Stay tuned.

Yours truly,
Marcy Magoo
Consumer Detective
When Curiosity Calls

Tweet

Professional for Hire

A self proclaimed professional, that is.

As a recent college graduate, I understand the power of a good resume. In fact, part of my job is to screen hundreds of resumes. You want to show yourself in the best possible light, right? You have less than 10 seconds to stand out from the 4 foot stack that is already leaning its way into the recycle bin. No pressure. So, you put your thinking cap on of how to make yourself sound better, expand your experience, and provide references of those who will sing your praises. And of course, you click the ever-reliable-spell-check...no red squiggles! (Side note- Most people print out a paper copy of your resume. Although those red and green squiggles don't show up on paper, they DO show up on my screen. Yes, even after you just hit "ignore" to make them go away on your computer. Don't forget to pass it on to a mentor or peer to have them proof read.) Your resume is so polished you can see your professional reflection. So you send it in for job openings and it lands in the lap of a screener (yours truly) and/or a hiring manager. We're ooh'ing and ah'ing over your expert credentials. You match all the keywords on our checklist. You also seem very professional (BONUS)! How may we reach you? *cue screeching breaks* Looks like you forgot to think about one seemingly trivial aspect of your resume- your email address.

This may be due in part to the fact that us Gen Y'ers in the early dawns of instant messaging and social media were expressing our  pre-teen angst and "individuality" by creating what we thought were clever and catchy screen names and Myspace pages. I know how I was at 11 and 12 years old, and professional is NOT a word I would choose to describe anything about me or any of my peers. What made a good screen name/email address to teeny bopper, you ask? Think of whatever sport you played, your favorite color, number, animal, or hobby. Next, combine about 2-3 of those with maybe where you're from and whether your a sexy chick/gal/princess/angel or a dude...and the year you were born or will graduate from high school. Lacking creativity? Just make it your nickname and alternate every single letter between upper and lower case.

Now that you have a cool screen name, you end up using the same one all the way through high school and college. You email your prof with a question about the project due at the end of the week, but wait, you forget to sign your name. The next day in class, as your professor is wrapping up the lesson, he opens the floor for questions and then reads aloud the email from a student who asked about said project, but isn't sure which student goes by BlueBoy22. (You're my boy, Blue!)

That being said, as a college student, you're preparing to enter the professional work world. It's time to change that email address you created 10 years ago to something a little more, well, professional.

As I go through resumes, I keep a running list of the email addresses that stand out and how some of them are translated in my head. Here are some of my favorites:

• ComeMeetLola (MustBeADatingHotline....meet you where, the corner? A dark alley?)
• PunkyMonkey (UnprofessionalTeenAngst)
• Acowgirlscorral (DontHireMe)
• jimenycricket (AlwaysLetYourConscienceBeYourGuide)
• bootcut47 (LevisOrWranglers)
• flowerring (helovesme.helovesmenot.)
• fishintexas (git-r-done)
• texasbeautygal (Ur_so_vain)
• skyyfoxx (vodkalover)
• yaya22_satx (nono22_satx)
• goldgrinnin02 (FLAVA_FLAV_YEAH_BOY)
• antbed (hopeIdontStepInIt)
• wa2busi (thenYbother)
• dandelion_wishes89 (picks-flowers-in-outfield-in-the-middle-of-the-game)
• paintponylover (Dear_Santa- Iwantaponyforchristmas)
• plum.wine.bunny (????)
• PapiJavi69 (GrossWannaBePimp)
• grgwsh (IWouldLikeToBuyAVowel)
• mr.bigbossbrown (NeedsASliceOfHumblePie)
• kissmegoodbye63 (neversaidhello)

Tweet

Dopplegangers

Does everyone have one? Why is it always a celeb that average people use for dopplegangers? Who do celebs use....normal people? How does that work?


"FBI, how may I investigate?" (that's how I imagine them answering the phone)
"Yeah hi, this is Barney Stinson. Doppleganger Department, please."
"I'm not seeing any results in our doppleganger database for you, Mr. Stinson."
"Did you try searching in the average people/non-celeb category?"
"Yes. I couldn't find anything."
"Look harder!"
"That's what she said, sir."
"Freeze frame high five!"

Tweet

Funny Words

Nugget (when said by itself)
Squeegie (Sp?)
Scooter
Button (all the different ways people say it- button, buddon, butt'n)
Nincompoop
Poop
Mercedes (when said by a certain CFO who draws out the S)
Buggy
Jello
Doppleganger
Dingleberry
Wimpy
Noodle
Goober
Peon

Tweet

Sweet Dreams

Where did this sweet nothing originate? Does it really make you have sweet dreams? Why not "pleasant dreams" or "splendid dreams"? Is it just something parents told us to make us fall asleep easier or feel better? ***KID SPOILER ALERT*** Like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy? "Sweet dreams" makes me think I should dream of Candyland or bunnies hopping on clouds- two dreams I've certainly never had!
"Don't let the bed bugs bite!" Now that's just cruel... and why would anyone actually let the bed bugs bite? "Oh, hey Mr. Bed Bug, BITE ME!" Has anyone ever told someone to have terrible dreams? Or what about sour dreams? Why does sweet always get the credit and spotlight? I happen to like sour (at least sour candy). But anyway, back to terrible dreams...what if you told someone "Bad dreams, let the bed bugs bite!"? That's like saying, "You're screwed the second you shut your eyes! There's a monster in the closet AND under your bed, and the sugar plum fairies? They're actually a billion tiny bugs crawling all over to bite you any second. Oh yeah, prepare yourself to wake up screaming from your nightmare!"


........sweet dreams, Punkin'! (?)

Tweet

Elevators

It's too bad you can't call for an elevator like you reserve tables at a restaurant.....

"Yes, elevator for one, please?"
"Smoking, or non?"
"Um, non-smoking please. Actually could you make that for two, and a conversation-allowed elevator? No heavy perfumes, please."
"Coming right up. And would you like an express stop or a connecting ride?"
"Just get me an elevator that goes to the first floor!!!"

Elevators should definitely NOT be equal opportunity- and by this I mean that if you have issues with body odor and/or detecting one's own body odor and/or you smoke, you should have your own elevator- especially for the long rides to the top, or(!) elevators should be equipped like planes with oxygen masks that drop down from an overhead compartment. In the event there is a change in cabin odor, yellow oxygen masks will deploy from the ceiling compartment located above you. To secure, pull the mask towards you, secure the elastic strap to your head, and fasten it so it covers your mouth and nose. Breath normally. Even if the bag does not inflate, please keep in mind that oxygen is flowing. Please make sure to secure your own mask before assisting others. There is one exit to the front of the elevator *insert flight attendant directional point here*. Please exit the elevator in a calm and orderly fashion. If you are not able to exit on an intermediate floor, two buttons may be found on the panel for Air Freshener (AF) and Deodorant (D). This overview should be given while you are waiting to board an elevator on the main floor and include other commonly known elevator issues. Elevators should also have dots on the floor that light up and tell you where it's appropriate to stand after a certain number of people are on. Hasbro needs to team up with Otis ASAP because they could take a whole new level of Twister to the BANK! **Left foot yellow, right foot green. Hands to yourself. Make normal small talk now.** Seriously, where the heck did universal elevator rules come from? Why don't they apply to other modes of public transit like stairs, escalators, moving sidewalks, or cars? But, buses and subways? We get just as weird on those as we do elevators. Why?! And who decides which person will be driving the elevator. I'm all for having elevator attendants again, but they should be more like flight attendants. Informative and to the point.

Tweet

This Page Left Intentionally Blank

...Really? Because I'm pretty sure by stating that "this page left intentionally blank", this page is technically no longer "blank". Did someone once feel the need to explain themselves to the reader? Were they getting constant phone calls? Or did they choose to skip to page 2 to begin writing because the pressure was just too great for the perfect thing to write? I'm a fan of the latter.

Welcome to my brain!

P.S. Ok, wait. How come it's always been P.S.? Yes, I know it's postscript, but why not P.W. for post-writing?  I'm not writing in script....P.P. (post print?). P.S. does have a nice ring when you say it aloud, but so does P.Dub.

P.W. Speaking of constant phone calls for questions, I wonder what kind of questions the customer comments and/or questions hotlines receive...and how exactly does the hotline employee on the other end respond? Project!

........P.T. - post thought? No? P.T.™

P.T.T. (P.T.Tangent) Too bad I can't retroactively copyright my initials (TM) so that anytime someone trademarks something, I could collect royalties. $$$$! Which came first: the trademark or the copyright?

The tangents continue...DUN DUN DUNNNNN!

Tweet