Honks: Decoded

I had an epiphany the other day during my commute to work amongst my fellow oh-so-pleasant Houston motorists. Every honk has a meaning. Some are very direct and to the point with universal meanings, others have a loose translation that is highly dependent on the situation. Have you ever been stuck behind someone who could move up juuuust a smidge so you can proceed with your right-on-red or your U-turn? I have, and that's why I decided to be polite to the person behind me, who actually had their blinker on, so they could inch by me into the turn lane. But as I inched forward, their blinker quickly disappeared from my rear-view mirror and reappeared into my side-view mirror as half of their car hugged my bumper, and the other half occupied the turn lane. But short of love tapping the person in front of me, I couldn't move up any further. Did you know this crazy person had the nerve to honk at me?! "Hey! Move up!" ... So of course I honked back ... "Dude! What do you think I've been doing for the past ten seconds? Hellooooo, can't you see I'm practically touching the car in front of me? Pipe down back there! Rude." (Yep, my one honk said all that.) This of course made me think of all the different things a honk can say. I took the liberty of interpreting some common honks for you, and for my visual learners I've included a few pictures and a short clip. Let's begin.

Meep*

Mornin’!

Meep Meep

Hey, neighbor! Look, I’m waving at you. 

Like Barbie and Teresa.

Meep*

Go ahead. 

Meep*

Still here. 

Meep Meep

That's what Beaker said.

Meepmeep

Watch out for that trashcan behind you! 

(Quick and friendly as if you’re saying “I’ve got your back.”) 

MEEP MEEP!

You’re about to back into me! 

Peep

Excuse me. Can I get by? 

(This one you try and lightly tap so it sounds a little more polite.) 

Beep

Whoa there! 

BEEP

GO! 

BEEEEEP!

COME ON! IT'S GREEN!

Beep Beep

Pay attention, Buddy! 

Beep! Beep!

Loved that show!

HONNNK

&@#% you!

HONNNK!

&@#% you, too!

HONK! ... HOOONNK! ... HHHOOOONNNNNNNNNK!

What the hell are you doing? ... WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?! ... WHATAREYOUDOING?! 

(This honk has so much frustration, you physically brace yourself in your seat as you lay on the horn. This honk is also accompanied by the white-knuckled death grip on the steering wheel, and maybe a little shaking depending on the severity of the situation.)

As seen in the opening scene of Office Space

BEEP! BEEPBEEPBEEEPBE-BEEEEEEPBEEPBEEP! HONNNNNNKHONK!HONK!HONK!HONK!

HONNNNNNNNNNK! 

WE WON! LET’S PARTY! 

(Yes, that’s “We are the Champions” you hear playing in the background.)

BEE-BEE-BEE-BEEP, BEE- BEEP, BEE-BEEP

Hullabaloo, Caneck, Caneck! 

WHOOP !

(Then there’s the Hullabaloo Fail that ends up sounding more like the aforementioned general celebratory honk. And yes, there’s a difference.)

HHHHHHHHOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKK!

HELLOOOOOOO. You’re starting to veer into my LAAaaaaanne! No really, I just clenched my cheeks like Nacho Libre, my passenger just grabbed the “oh S*#@” bar and OHMYGOSHWE’REGONNADIIIIIIE!

And just in case you needed one more visual to solidify that last translation, I'll leave you with this.

Nacho Libre - Recreation Clothes
Tags: Nacho Libre - Recreation Clothes

P.T.

This clip prompts the Nacho Libre effect. It gets me every time.

Sources:

* Thanks for your input, dear sweet Rabecki with an 'i'! 

Barbie and Teresa

Beaker

Roadrunner

Samir from Office Space

THE BEST SCHOOL ON EARTH

Nacho Libre

Granny Driver

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That's My Story and I'm Sticking to It

Ok, friends and strangers ... I'm sure you're probably thinking "Make up your mind, woman!" for changing the look of my blog for the third time, but I was trying to figure out what exactly this La-La Land should look like so I can establish a "brand", if you will. It's a lot of pressure! Not really, there are just too many options. Yeah, remember our talk about options and indecisive girls? But I'm pretty confident I like this makeover. I may make a nip here or a tuck there, but I won't go Joan Rivers on you guys. I liked the crazy colors of the last look, but it was getting a little harsh on the eyes. (Read: if I, at 23 with relatively healthy eyes, am having issues reading the thoughts of Marcy Magoo, I don't want to alienate any of my wiser readers.) Enter the current background. It made me think of a Rorschach (pronounced 'Rorshak') ink blot test which I think I thunk is similar to my kind of thinking ... don't ya think? It's random in appearance and when looked at with a different eye, you can find many things in one. Didn't know Marcy was philosophical, huh? It just got real, yo. And the fact that those Rorschach tests are used in psychology to detect underlying thought disorders, especially in cases where patients are reluctant to describe their thinking processes openly? That's just coincidence. Besides, I'll openly tell you my thought patterns... but don't say I never warned you.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

P.W.
I just want to thank everyone for reading! And can we just talk about how I think my favorite part of this blog (aside from the fact that I can get all of these crazy thoughts out) is how I can see what countries have ended up here (by either stumbling across my page and/or on purpose after stumbling)? Aside from my American readers, I've got 10 views from Singapore! I'm really not trying to brag, I just think that is so cool! Who knows if it's one person or 10 people (or any combination in between), but shout out to my Singaporeans!

P.T.
Thoughts, comments and feedback are welcome. Also, if you have a thought you'd like Magoogalized™, send it in!

Thanks and Gig' Em
Find more info on Rorschach tests on Wikipedia

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Thought of Randomosity #4: Folders with Brads

Who the heck is Brad, and why is he so hard to find?!

Found this picture here

Whoever he was, he must have been really good at holding papers together. 

And he must have also really liked making paper skeletons like Mr. Bojangles here.

And I found this picture here

That's all.

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Street Names

Winner, Winner!

I like how different areas have themed street names. My neighborhood is a collection of places around the world - except for one that sound like a girl’s name -Sue. Ok, well actually I just learned Sue is a city in Japan. So they are all places. Others areas or neighborhoods have street names inspired by literature, art and music, things found in nature and historic landmarks, local people and Presidents of the United States. And then you have the part of town which you can always tell has been around for a while because of the boring letter/number street names. I guess that’s why we have such interesting street names everywhere else – you can’t exactly make up more letters to the alphabet, but you could just keep using increasingly larger numbers … no, then it just starts to look like the address number. That could get a little tricky, but then I suppose you could just (wait for it) spell out the number! But remember – the number 40 is spelled f-o-r-t-y.  Here’s a theme I’d like to see: the English translation to Native American names. By the way, I mean absolutely no disrespect to the Native Americans.  I just think the longer names would be a little comical when addressing an envelope. No? I mean how do you keep these centered?

Beautiful Badger Going Over the Hill Avenue

Spider Woman at Middle-Age Lane

Singing Chicken Hawk That Soars Parkway

Where the Wind Blows Down the Gap Highway

Yellow Jacket Nest Rising Out Of the Ground Boulevard

Soaring Turkey Vulture Plaza

HAHA

P.T.

This reminds me of the first time I went to Costa Rica with Elle and her family. (Sidenote: if you have not been, you MUST go! No, really, you have to go. I’m passing a law that makes it illegal not to go visit Costa Rica at least once. Ok, fine, just kidding on making a law, but seriously you just need to go. How awesome of a law would that be? By the power vested in me, by the States of Texas and Magoo, I demand each citizen take a trip to Costa Rica. It is absolutely beautiful, the people are friendly and there’s so much to do. Pura Vida!  Ok, back to the original P.T.) After getting our rental car, we went to the leasing office for the condo in Coco and asked for directions on how to get to there. When we asked for street names, she just kind of gave us one of those blank stares and said, “Oh, no, there are no street names here.” I think we ended up getting there by way of landmarks and a hand drawn map … I can’t even remember because I was enamored with the place. But by the end of day two, Elle and I had our own street names for the place because we were trying to figure out how one would send mail to someone in Costa Rica. The “major” highways in Costa Rica have names, but once you get into the smaller towns like Playa del Coco, it would go something a little like this:

Condo A with Ninja Courtyard Pass the 2 groceries, make left turn before all the restaurants and shops, swerve over to avoid hitting stray dogs and quickly approaching oncoming traffic, wave at the man who owns the watermelon fruit stand with the roosters, say “what’s up?” to Shorty – the cute stray puppy you named because he’s adorable and you see him in the same area every time you drive by, veer  left at the bird houses, no wait, those are water and/or electric meters that look like bird houses so they stay dry in the rainy season, continue down road with pretty flowers, squeeze the cheeks a little as you force a smile and nervously wave at the gatekeeper  holding the gun, make sharp U-turn (so really, it’s more like a V-turn) and start the uphill roller coaster ride through the big flowery bushes, immediate steep turn-of-death number one, continue up one lane road on hill, admire pretty houses  on the right, continue around the bend and look out across the bay at the three big rock forms out in the water that you take 50 pictures of, pass the road to nowhere on your left, make final curve around bend, and attempt a very precise three-point-turn-of-death up the steep driveway in your standard vehicle, Coco, (pregnant pause) Costa Rica.

Pull up “Father Rooster’s” in Costa Rica on Google Maps. This is a restaurant right on the beach that we frequented. The address?

Costa Rica

2670 1246

One of the hotels on the main street in Coco? 

A 4km De Playa Del Coco
Puerto Coyolar, Costa Rica
2697 1515

It literally means 4 kilometers from Coco Beach. How freakin’ awesome is that? I’m pretty sure I could get used to no street names if I lived 4km from Coco Beach. There’s just one of everything and you just know where it is – Costa Rica.

Photo Sources:

Winner, winner, chicken dinner

Bear Bottom Road

Female Native American Names

Male Native American Names

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Restroom Naming Convention

Have you ever noticed how public bathrooms are labeled? Women’s restrooms are usually labeled either ‘Women’ or ‘Ladies’, and men’s restrooms are usually, well, ‘Men’. Rarely have I seen a men’s restroom labeled ‘Gentlemen’. My point, you ask? It just seems that if you call the female restroom ‘Ladies’, shouldn’t you call their male counterpoint’s baño ‘Gentlemen’? You know … “Laaaadies and gentlemennnnnn” … that whole chestnut? When we leddies excuse ourselves from the table, we say we need to go to the ladies’ room, the little girls’ room, or the powder room. Duh, that’s because our restrooms are extravagant lounges filled with plush couches and the aromas of fresh linens and fields of daisies - we rest. That is why we go in pairs. Silly boys, who wants to go sit by themselves? I’ve never heard a man say “I’m going to the gentlemen’s room.” It’s always the men’s room or the little boys' room (or my personal favorite as my grandpa says, “I have an important meeting to get to.”) because, let’s face it, men do MANLY business in their “rest”rooms, and little boys fill the sinks with water, throw toilet paper, give each other swirlies and have contests to see whose stream can go the farthest.  I’m sure by now some of you are wondering how a girl like me knows so much about men’s bathrooms. Well, when you’re a girl at the age of 6 out in public with your dad and your tiny bladder is calling (loudly for the second time since you’ve left the house, and yes, you went before you got in the car), he’s not going to send you into the ladies’ room unsupervised. He takes you with him in the men’s room like any good father would do. (Daddio, I love you to the moon and back, but that was always super awkward and scary. I’m sure it was equally awkward for you, if not more. Thanks for guarding the door.) Anywho, I guess the knights of the roundtable at the Restroom Naming Convention actually knew what they were doing. There is nothing really gentle about the men’s restroom after all.

This is how the Ladies' and Gentlemen's door signs would look.

Here we have a gentleman (marked by his top hat, morning coat, and walking stick) and a lady (marked by the Victorian big booty dress, hat and parasol). They are fit for the Royal Wedding.

This snazzy couple may also be found in the famous painting 

"A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte" by Georges Seurat.

Has anyone ever noticed the monkey in this painting?

P.T.

Do you think Victorian women ever asked their husbands, "Does this dress make my butt look big, dear?" (By the way, I typed that in a Mrs. Doubtfire meets Julia Childs voice.) If so, I hope their suitors looked their ladies in the eyes and replied, "Why, yes, my sweet darling, it makes your butt look rather large!" (And that was Michael Cane's voice you just heard). But instead, I'm afraid the gentleman lied out of respect and said her rear end didn't look big because he didn't want to upset her. Which then leaves me to believe the lady added layer after layer under that blasted dress in hopes he'd say her back side did indeed look big and round. "What about now, darling dear? Does THIS make my tail feather look larger?" Victorians ...

Photo sources:
Lady and Gentleman Door Signs
Sunday Afternoon

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Double Door Decisions

Can we just talk about how several restaurants have double doors and keep one side locked? Why did they go through the trouble of installing the double door entrance instead of a single door if they’re only going to have one functioning? Oh, yes! Because it’s funny to watch people approach the door full force only to find that it’s locked and thus bounce back with a look of shock and embarrassment that sometimes causes a human pile up. I must say, it makes me giggle every time – especially when I do it. And it’s always when the restaurant strategically props one door open for you, pretty much telling you up front in neon flashing lights, “Hey, use this one – the other one is locked!” Oh yeah? I’ll prove you wrong, Door-that-is-already-ajar. Sheesh, and you can forget it when you see someone else approaching from the outside wanting to enter the fine establishment. You do the little stutter step to avoid going through the same door and then BAM! You picked the locked one. And then, to make matters worse and perhaps a little funnier (in my opinion), the person feels bad for breaching your personal bubble and wants to make it up to you by holding the door open for you (since you obviously failed at accomplishing this task yourself), but they stand in that awkward spot, you know the one - practically in the middle of the door frame, to hold the door open behind them, forcing you to again burst your bubble boundary (Stranger, danger!) as you squeeze past and thank them … tip of the imaginary top hat and slight bow to you, good sir!

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"Moo's Too Bootylicious for Ya, Babe"

I gave the dogs a bath today and had my phone near by so I could snag this video of Moo after I finished rinsing him off. Watch out, Beyonce! I don't think you can handle this.

Shout out to Destiny' Child for Bootylicious.

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One, Two, Three, For

Fourty  Forty dollars and 00/100 cents. 

Four, fourteen, forty, four hundred, fourth. 

WHY is forty not spelled f-o-U-r-t-y?  I’m pretty sure if Forty could be a contestant on Wheel of Fortune, he’d like to buy a vowel. Ok, I know. There’s a rule for everything in the English language … but there are also exceptions to every stinking rule. Why can’t forty be the exception in this case? 

Google time! Today's query took me to a Yahoo! Answers forum (read, Pandora's Box of crazy answers and opinions).

WARNING: This little nugget triggered all kinds of thoughts and questions.

1. Sweet Lincoln's Mullet, John P ... you're a genius! You must have many leather bound books and your apartment must smell of rich mahogany. Oh, you're just blowin' smoke and pulled that explanation out of thin air? Well, it makes sense to me, my friend.
2. Which came first - the number '4' or the word 'four'? Or, 'for'?
3. When you use a number in formal documents, why do you have to spell out the number in parentheses, or vice versa? Was someone once confused when they saw the number? I mean, I'm all for having different options, (Sidenote: this is why we ladies  tend to  always over-pack our suitcases. Well, that, and we're indecisive.) but is it really necessary, other than for pronunciation's sake, to make a number into a word? Memo: Please bring 2 (two) forms of identification. 2? Oh, TWO! I thought you meant 9.You can't take the numbers away - could you really imagine doing math with words? Yikes!  Solve: Thirty-nine plus four. OK, thirty nine ... plus four, carry the U, is ... Forty-three ...(43).
4. Speaking of pronunciation ... to, too, and two. Why isn't "two" pronounced "t-woo", and why'd they pick a 'w' of all letters to be silent? The person who spelled bologna must have made that choice.
5. Are silent letters silent because they're deaf? Or, mute? Or, silent because they're sneaky and ninja-like?
6. Is your brain hurting yet? Watch this.
7. Apparently, the addition of the 'u' is supposed to change the pronunciation. If the proper way to say the 'ou' in four is supposed to make a different sound than the 'o-without-the-u' in for, I don't hear it (but I've also got a bit of a twang sometimes). People often pronounce 'for' as 'fer', and 'four' as 'for', due to laziness. Go ahead and practice that one.
8. If there is no other word that sounds like "forty", WHY can't you just make it "fourty" with a U?
9. OK John P, this is where your theory flaws. If sour is s-o-u-r, and four is f-o-u-r, why doesn't four sound like sour? Or vice versa - sour like four? Plus, there's no word sourty. Type that in Word and it will squiggle it red!
10. If vice versa means to reverse the order, what if you vice versa'd vice versa ... versa vice? Would that cancel the reverse and make it straightforward? Nothing in my mind right now is straightforward, so I guess you could kind of say it's in a state of vice versa (and sideways versa).
11. All of this talk about reversing makes me want to play Uno. Ha! What if Uno recalled every "Reverse" card and replaced them with "Vice Versa"?
12. Can we please just make an amendment to the Chronicles of Spelling and Grammar? I know these rules are etched in stone tablets and are kept in Bermuda, but can't you just add "Fourty" as an acceptable way to spell out 40? (That's the real reason why ships and planes disappear when they approach the Bermuda Triangle - they start their voyage in hopes of changing these Chronicles, but the second they pop up on the radar, the Lords of Language laugh at their petty attempts at reform and smite them into ashes. Just kidding. I totally made that up.)
13. Speaking of the Lords of Language, I'm pretty sure the one who made 'syllabi' the plural form of 'syllabus' suffered from a lisp. Just sayin'.

P.W. Did you know the number forty is the only number in the English language that is spelled in alphabetical order? Check it.

P.T. Maybe that's the real reason the 'U' is left out. Hmm!

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Thought of Randomosity #3

I need a coffee cup that tells me when my coffee has reached the optimum temperature for consumption. I always get too eager and burn my tongue. 
Hungry Jack tells you when your syrup is piping hot. Coors colors the mountains blue when your brew is as cold as the Rockies.

If only this mug was a little more descriptive.

www.incrediblethings.com

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Thought of Randomosity #2

Is there a class for backup singers where they learn how to dance? 

Their moves are always so fluid and in sync.

...

Do you know what would make it funnier?

Inflatable Backup Dancers

Yeah. Don't deny it.

Do you know what else is funny?

Jokes.com
Ryan Hamilton - Inflatable Dancing Man
comedians.comedycentral.com
Jokes Joke of the Day Funny Jokes

This guy's interpretation of The Inflatable Dancing Man.

Picture Sources:

Dreamgirls

Inflatable Dancing Men (left)

Inflatable Dancing Men (right)

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Coiled Phone Cords

Photo courtesy of this page

Can we just talk about how much I dislike the coiled phone cords? I really don't like them. Sure, they take up less space and recoil themselves, but never in a kink/tangle-free fashion. I suppose that's one of the reasons why cordless phones were invented.  But of course the corporate 8 to 5 world never adopted this handy innovation. That'd be kind of weird, though ... employees answering their desk phones, pacing around the office, twiddling with random knick knacks on other people's desks. Maybe that's where the headset came in. But I can't honestly say I'm a fan of those either; they hurt my ears and you feel like you're still wearing it hours after you've taken it off. Maybe I'm just being sensitive, but try wearing a walkie-talkie head set for almost 72 hours (thanks ARC). I couldn't imagine being part of the Secret Service.  So now I've come full circle and am back to square one. That's a lot of shapes for one thought. Apparently there are other people in this world who share my disdain for these cords, which probably inspired the invention of the Swivel Jack that swivels the cord to your every move. I'm still not convinced. I think the only good thing about coiled cords (aside from the fact that they take up less room) is the recoil factor. If you happen to drop the phone you can quickly yank the cord and the phone will come flying back to you. Just be sure you actually catch it and don't give yourself a black eye ... that'd be unfortunate. And kind of funny. I guess I'm just left with untangling my desk phone cord, which isn't really all too difficult, nor does it take much time. It's just a smidge inconvenient when you're a little O.C.D. about certain things. Maybe it's just a reminder not everything can be perfect. C'est la vie.

P.T.
Secret Service ... for an organization priding themselves on their secrecy, they certainly don't look very secret. At least the posse protecting the President & Pals doesn't look very secret. I'm sure their actions are indeed quite secret. But, they're all suited-up and stand in that authoritative stance with their heads turned ever so slightly to look out into the distance. Their brows are furrowed not because the sun is in their eyes (the dark shades help with that), but because they want you to know they mean business and they're anticipating the worst when they watch your every move. AND THEY ALL HAVE THE COILED EARPIECE!! No, I'm on to YOU, Mr. Secret Service Man. Just kidding. I'm sure you could have me arrested in .9 seconds for blinking twice and scratching my ear because that could be some secret code of yours. I'm just saying if you're not worried about keeping a secret appearance, why don't you have a little fun with the "uniform"? Dang. I've probably triggered some alarm when I started this P.T. and now have a squad of agents posting up outside my door step waiting for the go-ahead to kick in the door. In which case just ring the doorbell and I'll let you in. I've got some leftover chicken pot pie I can heat up.

P.T.T.
In all seriousness, this P.T. (as do most) taught me something. Check out the history of the U.S. Secret Service here if you're interested.

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Ctrl + Alt + Delete

Wouldn't it be nice to just hit Ctrl + Alt + Delete when things aren't working?

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PARTY DANCE!!!!

The Man continues to surprise me!

I had to answer the phone just as he was walking in. We made eye contact, he saw that I was on the phone, we smiled, he waved, and quietly said hello as to not interrupt!

By George, I think I've made it on The Man's list of approved people to acknowledge and speak to.


The Man has been quite chipper lately ... I'm starting to get nervous.


P.T. to Elle,
I hope you have a safe flight to D.C. and have a great time visiting The G Dub! "Whoop!/By George!" for grad school! Start taking notes of all the other future museumians. Also, Hector says hello and wants pictures of the hippos.

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P.T. to 'Thanks and Gig'em!'

P.T.
Even The Man commented on what a great game they Lady Ags played last night. Yes that's right, more words.


Randomly yours,
Marcy "Starting-to-have-brief-conversations-with-The-Man" Magoo

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Thanks and Gig'em!

I'll leave you with this:

Texas A&M Women's Basketball 2011 NCAA Champs

Photo courtesy of AP

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Randomosity

ran • dom • ′os • it • y    | [ran-duhm-os-i-tee]

-noun, plural – ties.

1. Both random and curious in nature; often a type of question that has an actual technical answer, but 9 times out of 10 is rhetorical.

Origin:

2011. Marcy English. –American.

Example:

This short and sweet blurb is a thought of randomosity.

Thought of Randomosity #1
Why does April have to be the only month with a day for prankery? I’d be a fan of monthly fool’s days.

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Marcy Magoo: Snake Whisperer

I watched Late Night with Jimmy Fallon the other night for this post.

He had an animal expert on his show who happens to be quite the hyper little fellow. This guy brought several different animals, one of which was a rattle snake. Correction: HUGE rattlesnake. Before I proceed, have a gander at this short clip from that episode of Late Night.

I don’t know about you, but I’m with Jimmy on this whole snake hook thing. So you’re telling me that this 3 foot pole with a little hook on the end is supposed to protect me while I manhandle a giant angry rattlesnake? And this Grabber pole that Billy Mays endorsed to save the world from lower back pain is supposed to assist me in getting this monster on the hook? Seriously? You might as well use a pair of serving tongs and a toothpick! Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit, but I just don’t see how these snake handling tools are safe with today’s standards. Time for a trusty Google search: How to use snake hooks. This gave me Professional Snake Handling Tools and Techniques. Here’s what I found in a chestnut:

1. People practice these techniques on toy snakes.

2. This site says “When picking a snake up with a hook, aim roughly for the middle of the body and lift. Be careful not to stab the snake with the hook. Try to be slow and gentle. A snake is less likely to slip off the hook if you can get it all the way off the ground in one smooth move.”

a.       I say:

                                                              i.      When learning how to handle a snake, I don’t want to be told to “aim roughly” for anything. I would like precise and exact directions. Thanks.

                                                            ii.      “Less likely to slip off” … ?!?!?! … Duh! It’s a sthlithery sthneaky sthlippery little sthnaaaake! ON A HOOK!

            iii. "if" .......such a large word for only having 2 letters.

3. “Some snakes will not stay on a hook for more than a few seconds, so that may be all the time you have to decide where to put it down.”

a.       I say: See 2.a.ii

  4.  You can use a combination of common household items if the  cavemen  professional tools are not available. Common household items include: broom/mop handles, shovel, wire hangers, plastic gallon jugs, duct tape, etc.

a.       I say: You can find me standing on top of something screaming like a maniac. I don’t have professional tools, and I will most certainly NOT rig my own snake trapping apparatus.

  5.  Keep a safe distance when handling snakes

a.       I say: Yeah, no $*!#, Sherlock.

b.      Sherlock says: Elementary, my dear Watson.

  6. “You will find that the more you master the knowledge of ‘Snake-Jitsu’, the easier it is to just walk up to a snake and calmly gain immediate control of the animal.”

a.       I say:

                                                              i.      ‘snake-jitsu’ … haha

                                                            ii.      ‘the easier it is to just walk up to a snake and calmly gain control’ …  *Eh. Wrong!* Never. Please refer to 4a.

                                                          iii.      Let’s pretend I did master this knowledge of ‘snake-jitsu': 

Mr. Snake: “I’m a sthnaaaaake.”

Me: “Hey, Mr. Snake. What’s up? I’m gonna gain control and move you over here in this pretty mesh bag with this shiny hook. Ya dig?”

Mr. Snake: “I’m a sthlippery little sthnaaaake.”

Me: ...whispers...“No, shhhh. Don’t move.”

 ... dramatization ...

In sum: Even though there are proper tools and handling techniques for moving or capturing snakes, you will find me running for the hills and leaving that mess to the professionals.

P.T.

R.I.P Billy Mays… I miss you yelling me into a mindless, mouth-agape daze where I snap back to reality 45 minutes later realizing I’ve just watched an infomercial for some newly invented product that I kind of want, but certainly don’t need. I wish I had a pirate ship and a tug boat so I could test out that Mighty Putty.

P.T.T.

 I wonder if Captain Hook was a snake handler.

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April Fool's *semicolon* Office Prankery Part 2

So after the success of the first April Fool's prank of the morning, our office manager and I wanted to see if we could pull off another.

The Target

Jessica (aka Princess)

Sidenote- The Man suggested she needed a bigger computer monitor, so she gets a 42" TV for easy spreadsheet viewing. Contrary to others, her nickname is used with endearment.

The Conspirators

Charlaa

Me

Charlaa came up with the idea of calling Princess and telling her that I received a call form Building Management saying they think her car was broken into. I wasn't sure if she was aware of the first prank of the day so I suggested to Charlaa that she send out an "email" from Building Management. She has everyone's car information, so use it/alter some of it to make the email more legit. I also suggested she put a fake phone number in there to call (like Papa John's or something) so that when she calls to ask about the fate of her car, she'd then realize it was a prank. Miss Charlaa took it a step further and said it would be funnier if Princess went all the way down to the first floor and out to the garage to see her car just as she left it. (Sorry, Princess)

The Email

Not 45 seconds later did I hear Princess, purse in hand and on a mission to kill, and Charlaa close behind. *Lock it up, Taryn. Lock it up!*

Princess: "Guess who was on that hit list?"
Me: "Ooohhh, noooo!"


Charlaa and I wait for her to board the elevator and make her way down before we started cracking up. A few minutes go by and we're wondering where she's at and if she's figured it out yet. A few more minutes go by and now we're getting nervous. Should we call? Did something go wrong? Just as I head to pick up the phone to dial out, it rings. Our company name comes up on the caller ID along with a Houston area code. I remembered she just got a company Blackberry and figured this HAD to be her. I'm already losing my composure as I pick up the receiver. I answered the phone in my normal greeting but it was broken up by a fit of laughter.

Princess: "I'm going to kill you two."
Me: "April Fools!"
Princess: "It is on."

Moments later we hear the elevator ding and see her marching straight towards us with a devious grin on her face. All fun and games until she told us what happened downstairs. Instead of going straight to her car, she stops at the concierge desk in the lobby. We forgot to fill him in on our antics. She asked him how bad it was and he had no idea of what she was talking about. She pulled out her Blackberry to show him the email. He starts panicking and calls his boss. (Yikes!) He reads the email like a telegram.

Concierge: "Colleagues, comma. Urgent message from Building Management, semicolon ... *blah, blah, guts of email, blah, blah* ... sent from Charlaa-"
Princess: "Yeah, no. She works with us."
Concierge: "Sent today, April 1st."

This is when I imagined Princess snatching the phone from the concierge realizing what the day's date meant. She then proceeded to half laugh and half tear up. We then start to hang our heads in shame. We didn't mean to upset her. The thing about picking your target for pranks is you need to make sure they haven't had a string of rough days. We're sorry, Princess!!!!! She then went on to tell us that she was mostly just upset at how little the front desk knew about the slew of faux car break-ins and it was just bad timing. She did give us props for coming up with a great prank though - and warned us to watch our backs. I welcome your revenge, Princess. Bring it on!

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Marcy Meteorology

Here in Texas, you never know what kind of weather you’re going to get. It’s a lot like Marcy Magoo I suppose. One minute it’s hot and sunny, and the next it’s a few degrees below freezing … the one constant is Houston's humidity. And then there’s Texas weather to the power of Marcy Magoo.  Any unit, or combination of units, raised to the power of Marcy Magoo (x^MM) yields something a little bit silly. For more details on the meaning of Marcy Magoo, see Who is Marcy? Let's examine the formula in Example 1.

Picture of disheveled combover man courtesy of this guy.

Image of Texas with flag courtesy of this page.

The Method (used loosely) to My Madness

Here, you have a combination of warm temperatures, precipitation, and high wind speeds. This combination makes for gross weather. Multiplying this aggregation by the State of Texas gives you arbitrary scattering and unpredictability of said weather . Subtract the access to an umbrella and you lose protection from these forces. Raise the cumulative product to the power of Marcy Magoo and you have yourself one old man whose combover has turned into a comb-out.

Yes, I literally witnessed this event today while driving back to the office. Unfortunately, I could not snap my own photo of this funny sighting, but something told me this was not the first time a combover has turned into a comb-out. 

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Here's to You, Man

In my recent post, Sticking It to The Man, I shared with you my daily battle to get The Man to say two simple words - good morning. Rough life, huh?

Well, dear friends and strangers, I'm pleased to announce that The Man has spoken to me (the first work peon he sees) morning, noon (sometimes), and night every day since the sticking! He has even, wait for it ... said "good morning" first for the past two days! My mind is blown. Here's to you, Man.

In sum, it's the small things in life that count.

P.W. I'm adding "peon" to the funny word list.

P.T. Yup, I just Googled the origin of the word peon, just for giggles, and have adequately validated my reasoning for adding it to the funny word list. The usually semi-credible Wikipedia says-

And by "employment conditions", they really meant bladder conditions.

Happy Monday!

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April Fools: Office Prankery Part 1

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways....

I. LOVE. April Fools' Day.  Period.  Exclamation, over, and out! April Fools' Day is almost as good as Christmas and birthdays. Everyone's wheels are at work trying to secretly plot a prank of epic proportions on the unsuspecting target....just great. 

"I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT!!!!"

This brings us to the office prankery of 2011. Let's take a look.

The Target

Nir

Conspirators

Sandra 

Robert 

Stacy

Yours Truly

The Prank

The Wednesday before April Fools', Sandra came up to my desk and asked for some help with pranking Nir.  I was in before she even disclosed any details. She goes on to explain that since we've sold a big portfolio of properties, there will be a series of dog & pony shows with the buying company. So, Friday there's going to be a " 10 a.m. meeting" *wink, wink* where the company will be coming to us. His boss, Stacy, drafted up an "email" that she sent to Sandra (and cc'd Sandra's boss) detailing everything she needed him to do for this meeting. Thing is, he never got it. They needed me to set the wheel in motion by calling Nir around 9:45 a.am. to explain that I just received a phone call from the company and they wanted to let Nir and Sandra know they were on their way, but running late. I would also tell him that I couldn't get a hold of Sandra, so he may also need to track her down. Since he never got the "email", panic would set in, and he would run to find Sandra to figure out what meeting he was supposed to be ready for in t-minus 15 minutes. Sandra would then pull out the "email", clearly addressed to him. More panic. Wild goose chase to set up. A little more panic. APRIL FOOLS!!!

The Email

Show Time

9:45 a.m.: Sandra calls. It's time.

Me: *ring, ring* Hey, Nir. It's Taryn. [Company] just called and wanted to let you and Sandra know they are on their way but they're running a little late. I can't get a hold of Sandra, have you seen her?

Nir: (Cool as a cucumber) Oh, ok. Thanks! No, I haven't seen her, but I'll go find her. Hey, did they say who it was?

Me: No, and I'm sorry...I didn't ask. He just said they were with [Company].

Nir: Ok, thanks. Hmmm...ok, I'll take care of it. (Still cool as a cucumber) Hey, do you know what meeting? Did they say?

Me: No, I'm not really sure. Sorry, they weren't big on specifics. I figured you only had one at 10.

Nir: Oh, ok. Alright. Hmmm...I bet it's the Austin meeting. Ok, thanks alot! Appreciate it.

Me: No problem! Bye. *click*

I messaged Sandra.

"He totally bought it. Didn't suspect a thing. Keep me posted"

10:15 a.m.: He's bustin' a sweat. [Company] "arrival". Time to reveal.

Sandra comes back up to tell me give him a call in the training room and tell him [Company] is here and she'll walk them back. He's squirmed enough.

Me: *ring, ring*

Nir: hello?!?!?!?!??!?! (I could see beads of sweat through his panicked voice, and hear him running around the room setting up computers)

Me: Hey, it's Taryn. [Company] is here. Sandra's walking them back.

Nir: oh, sh!t. Ok. Ok, thanks. Bye. (more scrambling)

I walk back with Sandra and we pick up people along the way. Sandra opens the door and announces [Company]'s arrival. Nir's red face focuses in on who is standing with her. Stops dead in his tracks. Doubles over in relief...
"OMG! YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! PAYBACK'S A B!TCH!!!"

"APRIL FOOLS!!!!"

Laughter ensues.....and even louder as we inspect the scene. He had our little IT friend help him get the appropriate number of laptops ready (we didn't fill him in on the prank, but he didn't really need to know). Robert, who works in Nir's department, played the double agent by helping Nir setting up the reports and applications, but kept us updated on Nir's status. Nir then looks to Robert...."Robert! Were you in on this the whole time?" Robert falls out of his chair laughing. He even had a couple trays of snacks laid out for our visitors! He didn't suspect a thing! And here's why...

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