It’s that time of year again, folks. It’s time for another round of my favorite “reality” (let’s be honest, it’s not reality at all) show. The Bachelorette is a guilty pleasure that I will fully admit is both lame and cheesy and has zero intellectual value, but is hilarious to watch as the circus that is 25 people competing for the attention of one (THE one, or so they hope) bachelor or bachelorette unfold. Now, I’m not one for drama in my personal life, but it’s perfectly tolerable sitting in my queue of recorded shows when I can pause, rewind, and fast forward through all of the commercials and it stays on the screen. Although, that’d be kind of funny if real-time cat fights had media time-outs like football and basketball. *Ok ladies, commercial break is over – ready, go!*
Who’s the lucky bachelorette this time? Ashley Hebert, the super bubbly (possibly more than a bottle of Dom … but I’ll get to that later) blonde-turned-brunette (because brunettes have more fun) from the last season of The Bachelor. Brad dumped her in South Africa after spending one too many dates reassuring her of his feelings for her. I can’t say I blame the guy, that’d get pretty old.
But as most former contestants claim, it seems (keyword) she’s learned from her mistakes. She’s reinvented herself and is ready to do it right – which is clearly dating 25 guys at once in La La Land and getting engaged after only a few short weeks of
sexy-time getting-to-know-you-time in every exotic hot tub under the Aztec Sun with cameras in your face, all followed by a time of Siberian exile until the season finale airs. “Can you feel the love tonight?” (Thanks, Sir Elton for singing that song … it comes in handy.)
Two side notes –
SN 1: According to Elle, a seasoned anthropologist, the Aztec Sun covers a much more random assortment than the regular sun. I can neither confirm nor deny this statement at the moment, but I like it and will therefore endorse it. There will be no further comment.
SN 2: According to Mrs. H, our sorority’s chapter advisor (feared by pledges, loved by the initiated), STDs and other scary things ride around on jet skis in public hot tubs. Stay out. I’m convinced she had something to do with the episode of Glee when we found out how Quinn allegedly got pregnant.
Don’t get me wrong, I do hope these people get their shot at love, but I’m not convinced this is the most practical way to go about it. Look at the track record – the only bachelorette to get engaged on the show and become happily married (with children to follow) was Trista, a fellow Alpha Chi! That being said, let’s get to my reason for watching the show: the commentary. Yes, all the romantical moments on the show are nice, but the commentary on the show between the girls/guys living in the house and also from the bachelor/bachelorette is priceless. I also love the commentary between my friends and family. The only thing that would be better than that is a marathon of VH1-style commentary by the show’s host Chris Harris, the camera crew, and other members of the show. They’ve GOT to have the key to Pandora’s Box. They see all the action live, raw and unedited.
Back to the premeire. Last week, they introduced a buffet of 25 eligible bachelors to Ashley. Can we just talk about the word “eligible” for a minute? When one is considered eligible, it’s usually safe to assume they have met some set of requirements, right? In this case, eligible is single and available to potentially marry. Eligible could also mean fit or proper to be chosen; worthy of choice; desirable.
… This is me laughing.
I guess like beauty, eligbility is in the eye of the beholder because WOW, some of these guys are an undesirable trip! (Ok, gentlemen readers, before you go getting your panties in a bunch, let the record show I am an Equal Opportunity Commentator; MANY of the girls seen on The Bachelor are just as insane. Crazy knows no gender.)
Shall we meet a few of the bachelors?
Ames, 31
Portfolio Manager from NYC
Please check out his bio
here so we can discuss.
1) I’m sorry, but even if that were my most embarrassing moment, I would not have that published on the WWW!
2) Of everything you could choose to bring on a deserted island, THOSE are the three things you’d bring? Hello, what if your deserted island is absolutely nothing but an island of sand? Some portfolio manager you are. You’ve just committed two of your three eggs to a broken basket. Whatcha gonna do with those tools on your sand island? I’m afraid to ask what you’d wish for if you were given three wishes.
3) And on the 7th day, he rested.
4) I’m sorry, but the question was “What do you wish we had asked you?” … as in your response should be Jeopardy-style in the form of a question, not “Pretend you’re Barney Stinson and toot your own horn here.” … THEN maybe you could tell us more about your amazing skills … Although it’s true that every girl is crazy ‘bout a sharp dressed man, and bow ties are making a comeback (just ask
President Loftin), nobody likes a bragger, Ames.
He also tells us on the show that he has his undergrad from Yale, two masters from Columbia, a doctorate from Harvard, he’s been to 70 countries, and has run in 39 marathons. Oh…AND ultramarathons. What the hell is an ultramarathon? I’m sorry, my checklist requires that you have at minimum three masters and two doctorates, must have been to at least 80 countries AND Pluto AND provide a current shot record (hey, if you’ve been to that many parts of the world, you may have developed some super-bug worse than the Bubonic Plague), be a two-time Iron Man champion, have helped at least 10 elderly women cross the street without getting slammed by their purse, acquired tears from a gypsy, Merlyn is your homeboy and you’ve pulled the sword from the stone, collected one million gold coins and saved Princess Peach from the burning castle all while maintaining your fireball status. It sounds like you’ve been pretty successful in life, cheers to you, but no girl wants to be with a one-upper. Unless the girl is
Penelope from SNL; she’s the ultimate one-upper.
Anthony, 28
Butcher from Jersey
He’s not your fist pumping-GTL Guido from Jersey, but rather the unbutton-your-shirt-to-show-your-gold-chain-and-chest-hair, wave-your-hands-in-the-air-and-lay-it-on-thick Italian from Jersey. He makes a big stink at the end because she sent him home. “Oooooh solo mioooooo!”
Bentley, 28
“Businessman” from Tampa
Take a peek at his bio
here so we can discuss.
1) If by outrageous you mean insane, then yes, driving 40 hours straight IS outrageous. Why would you want to do that?
2) That is pretty embarrassing, but try tripping at your 5th grade awards ceremony when they call your name to come get your certificates. I think that might be where the longstanding tradition of me falling in public places all started. I’m not embarrassed anymore; I’ve come to expect it.
3) “Baby, how did you know?! This view overlooking the water is beautiful AND it’s 75 and sunny with a gentle breeze coming from the Northwest at 5 mph. The temperature just made this the
ultimate date.” Dude, your bio is as monotonous as your voice.
On the show, he confessed that he hoped Emily was the bachelorette (disappointed, are we?). We also learn he is recently divorced and has a daughter named Cozy … Cozy?! I’d leave him too if he named my kid Cozy. They obviously didn’t run their list of baby names by their friends. There are some different “progressive” names these days, but really? Cozy? What happened to giving a kid a good, #winning first name – one that defines character? To quote one of my favorite movies, “If we wanted wussies, we would have named them Dr. Quinn and Medicine Woman!” (Gold star if you know what movie that is from.)
Ashley also has some dirt on this Bentley dude prior to even meeting him. Turns out, one of her friends from the previous season of The Bachelor is best friends with Bentley’s ex-wife and they say he’s only on the show to promote his business (I’m having flashbacks to Ali’s season with the wrestler). Ashley is clearly skeptical and was hoping he didn’t step out of the limo lookin’ like Mr. Debonair, but … CALLED IT! … she’s attracted to him. Yeah, I don’t see it. Strategically edited previews also show Bentley going far in the competition and breaking her heart. We’ll see how that actually unravels. Oh yeah, did I mention “he’s not overly attracted to her, but is a good competitor” and “he’s gonna break Ashley’s heart, he just hopes his hair looks good”? Dirt bag.
Mickey, 31
Chef from NY
His intro was uncomfortable to watch. He tried to imitate Chantal’s intro from the last season of The Bachelor by saying he had something from all of the men in America. Ashley immediately flinched because Chantal’s “something” was a slap to Brad’s face. Then, Mickey goes in for a full on, eyes-closed kiss while Ashley pulls her best Matrix move. Being the gracious woman she is, Ashley laughs it off and dismisses him into the mansion. He of course comes walking in and tells the guys that he kissed her. Ummmm, no you didn’t. You TRIED to kiss her. Access denied. But anyway, the night goes on and he must have made up for it because he gets a rose. It just goes to show you that it’s all about the recovery. By the way, did anyone else want to sing “Hey, Mickey” when the camera would cut to him? … ‘cause he’s pretty fine!!
Jon, 26
E-commerce Exec from Washington
Read his bio
here, and we’ll chat.
I wonder what he thinks of Schwarzenegger now! Jon Boy didn’t receive a rose from Ashley and was eliminated. After the rose ceremony, they show almost four different scenes of him walking through the mansion and courtyard as opposed to the normal one or two before they give their final words (why I notice these things, I have no clue). Jon finally makes his way outside and is pretty emotional about his dismissal. He goes on and on about how he knew so much about her and had so much in common, and it’s just so hard to walk away (because I’m lost in this giant mansion courtyard). Ok, look. What you “know” is just from watching her on a previous season (which was edited) and maybe a couple of hours at a cocktail party. Sure, maybe you thought you had a connection, but she wasn’t feelin’ it. You really don’t KNOW her like you think you do – no need to get emotional about it.
And then we have my two favorite tragedies:
Tim, 35
Liquor Distributor from NY (*Foreshadowing …DUN DUN DUNNNN!*)
This Slick Rick gets out of the limo and does this weird stammer/pause as he walks towards Ashley (and it didn’t look like it was because he was blown away by her beauty). Pretty sure Tim was pre-gaming too hard in the limo. Then he proceeds to guzzle his way into a drunken stupor on a pool-side bench and is startled when Ashley walks up to him. She tries to have a conversation with Tim but can’t understand anything and he admits that he is drunk. Later on in the evening, Ashley finds Tim PASSED OUT on a couch by the pool snoring like the 3:10 to Yuma. I mean, this guy was GONE! She repeatedly says his name and tries to nudge him awake, but he doesn’t budge. I would have pinched his nose ‘til he woke up, or given him a quick slap … just a lil love tap … to get him going. She then gets smart and recruits a few other gentlemen from inside to help her out, but once he wakes up (drunker than a skunk) she sits down in front of him. Move, sweetheart – you’re in the projectile zone! Needless to say, she sent him packin’ and had the guys help him out to the limo.
Now for his bio … read it
here.
1) Procrastinates, wakes up grumpy (and drunk), and has a tendency to overspend (on alcohol).
2) The 3 things he would really bring – Jim, Jack, and Jose.
3) Passing out drunk at a Bachelorette cocktail party and getting sent home BEFORE the rose ceremony. Yikes, buddy!
Jeff The Mask Phantom ... Batman, 35
Entrepreneur from
St. Louis Creepytown, USA
Here's his bio; take a peek.
If you’re waiting for his picture to load, don’t hold your breath. This guy stepped out of the limo in a black mask because he wants to take his face out of the game. In theory, that’s respectable … but really? This look worked for Michael Keaton and George Clooney, but please don’t try this at home. Maybe if you had picked a more festive mask and revealed yourself prior to the rose ceremony, you could pull it off, but it just came across kind of creepy. He gets a rose – surprise, surprise! I’m convinced the show pays to keep the “good-for-tv-drama” people around longer. Remember Kermit and Weather Boy? And Michelle and Fang Girl?
There was also a direct relationship between Tim and Batman- the drunker Tim got, the more Batman creeped him out. Good times.
I can’t wait to see what the rest of this season has in store. If you watch the show, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Who do you think will make it to the final two? Leave some commentary here, or become a fan of Marcy Monologues on Facebook and join the conversation Mondays at 7pm CST during The Bachelorette! You can also check out all of the bachelors and watch full episodes
here.
P.W.
If Chris Harris hosted my blog, I would have him sign off like this:
… Serious moment music and dramatic pause. Cut to the last red rose remaining …
“Marcy … dear friends and strangers … this is the final rose tonight … Marcy … when you’re ready.”
All pictures in this post courtesy of ABC
