Restroom Naming Convention

Have you ever noticed how public bathrooms are labeled? Women’s restrooms are usually labeled either ‘Women’ or ‘Ladies’, and men’s restrooms are usually, well, ‘Men’. Rarely have I seen a men’s restroom labeled ‘Gentlemen’. My point, you ask? It just seems that if you call the female restroom ‘Ladies’, shouldn’t you call their male counterpoint’s baño ‘Gentlemen’? You know … “Laaaadies and gentlemennnnnn” … that whole chestnut? When we leddies excuse ourselves from the table, we say we need to go to the ladies’ room, the little girls’ room, or the powder room. Duh, that’s because our restrooms are extravagant lounges filled with plush couches and the aromas of fresh linens and fields of daisies - we rest. That is why we go in pairs. Silly boys, who wants to go sit by themselves? I’ve never heard a man say “I’m going to the gentlemen’s room.” It’s always the men’s room or the little boys' room (or my personal favorite as my grandpa says, “I have an important meeting to get to.”) because, let’s face it, men do MANLY business in their “rest”rooms, and little boys fill the sinks with water, throw toilet paper, give each other swirlies and have contests to see whose stream can go the farthest.  I’m sure by now some of you are wondering how a girl like me knows so much about men’s bathrooms. Well, when you’re a girl at the age of 6 out in public with your dad and your tiny bladder is calling (loudly for the second time since you’ve left the house, and yes, you went before you got in the car), he’s not going to send you into the ladies’ room unsupervised. He takes you with him in the men’s room like any good father would do. (Daddio, I love you to the moon and back, but that was always super awkward and scary. I’m sure it was equally awkward for you, if not more. Thanks for guarding the door.) Anywho, I guess the knights of the roundtable at the Restroom Naming Convention actually knew what they were doing. There is nothing really gentle about the men’s restroom after all.

This is how the Ladies' and Gentlemen's door signs would look.

Here we have a gentleman (marked by his top hat, morning coat, and walking stick) and a lady (marked by the Victorian big booty dress, hat and parasol). They are fit for the Royal Wedding.

This snazzy couple may also be found in the famous painting 

"A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte" by Georges Seurat.

Has anyone ever noticed the monkey in this painting?

P.T.

Do you think Victorian women ever asked their husbands, "Does this dress make my butt look big, dear?" (By the way, I typed that in a Mrs. Doubtfire meets Julia Childs voice.) If so, I hope their suitors looked their ladies in the eyes and replied, "Why, yes, my sweet darling, it makes your butt look rather large!" (And that was Michael Cane's voice you just heard). But instead, I'm afraid the gentleman lied out of respect and said her rear end didn't look big because he didn't want to upset her. Which then leaves me to believe the lady added layer after layer under that blasted dress in hopes he'd say her back side did indeed look big and round. "What about now, darling dear? Does THIS make my tail feather look larger?" Victorians ...

Photo sources:
Lady and Gentleman Door Signs
Sunday Afternoon

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Marcy Magoo: Snake Whisperer

I watched Late Night with Jimmy Fallon the other night for this post.

He had an animal expert on his show who happens to be quite the hyper little fellow. This guy brought several different animals, one of which was a rattle snake. Correction: HUGE rattlesnake. Before I proceed, have a gander at this short clip from that episode of Late Night.

I don’t know about you, but I’m with Jimmy on this whole snake hook thing. So you’re telling me that this 3 foot pole with a little hook on the end is supposed to protect me while I manhandle a giant angry rattlesnake? And this Grabber pole that Billy Mays endorsed to save the world from lower back pain is supposed to assist me in getting this monster on the hook? Seriously? You might as well use a pair of serving tongs and a toothpick! Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit, but I just don’t see how these snake handling tools are safe with today’s standards. Time for a trusty Google search: How to use snake hooks. This gave me Professional Snake Handling Tools and Techniques. Here’s what I found in a chestnut:

1. People practice these techniques on toy snakes.

2. This site says “When picking a snake up with a hook, aim roughly for the middle of the body and lift. Be careful not to stab the snake with the hook. Try to be slow and gentle. A snake is less likely to slip off the hook if you can get it all the way off the ground in one smooth move.”

a.       I say:

                                                              i.      When learning how to handle a snake, I don’t want to be told to “aim roughly” for anything. I would like precise and exact directions. Thanks.

                                                            ii.      “Less likely to slip off” … ?!?!?! … Duh! It’s a sthlithery sthneaky sthlippery little sthnaaaake! ON A HOOK!

            iii. "if" .......such a large word for only having 2 letters.

3. “Some snakes will not stay on a hook for more than a few seconds, so that may be all the time you have to decide where to put it down.”

a.       I say: See 2.a.ii

  4.  You can use a combination of common household items if the  cavemen  professional tools are not available. Common household items include: broom/mop handles, shovel, wire hangers, plastic gallon jugs, duct tape, etc.

a.       I say: You can find me standing on top of something screaming like a maniac. I don’t have professional tools, and I will most certainly NOT rig my own snake trapping apparatus.

  5.  Keep a safe distance when handling snakes

a.       I say: Yeah, no $*!#, Sherlock.

b.      Sherlock says: Elementary, my dear Watson.

  6. “You will find that the more you master the knowledge of ‘Snake-Jitsu’, the easier it is to just walk up to a snake and calmly gain immediate control of the animal.”

a.       I say:

                                                              i.      ‘snake-jitsu’ … haha

                                                            ii.      ‘the easier it is to just walk up to a snake and calmly gain control’ …  *Eh. Wrong!* Never. Please refer to 4a.

                                                          iii.      Let’s pretend I did master this knowledge of ‘snake-jitsu': 

Mr. Snake: “I’m a sthnaaaaake.”

Me: “Hey, Mr. Snake. What’s up? I’m gonna gain control and move you over here in this pretty mesh bag with this shiny hook. Ya dig?”

Mr. Snake: “I’m a sthlippery little sthnaaaake.”

Me: ...whispers...“No, shhhh. Don’t move.”

 ... dramatization ...

In sum: Even though there are proper tools and handling techniques for moving or capturing snakes, you will find me running for the hills and leaving that mess to the professionals.

P.T.

R.I.P Billy Mays… I miss you yelling me into a mindless, mouth-agape daze where I snap back to reality 45 minutes later realizing I’ve just watched an infomercial for some newly invented product that I kind of want, but certainly don’t need. I wish I had a pirate ship and a tug boat so I could test out that Mighty Putty.

P.T.T.

 I wonder if Captain Hook was a snake handler.

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