Beard Maintenance, Aisle 9

As I was checking out of Target, another gentleman customer approaches the register and asked the cashier, "Excuse me, Miss? Do you know where I can find products for beard maintenance? I don't think I'm looking in the right spot."

Beard maintenance. I'm not sure what it was about the combo of those two words, but something made me giggle to myself (as per yoojh). Maybe it was because I immediately pictured that scene in 40 Year Old Virgin where Steve Carell's character, Andy, is getting his chest waxed into a man-o-lantern. Beard maintenance. I mean it's a very effective description of what he was looking for, but I don't know ... I can't say I've ever heard it. Additionally, I've never needed to look for beard maintenance supplies because I'm a girl, but I think I would have just asked for razors or something.
Anyhow, as the cashier begins to tell him which aisle to check next, I stop digging in my purse for a brief moment to turn around to see who would say such a thing. I think I L-LOL'd (literally laughed out loud) ... Just a single guffaw ... as I saw the beard needing maintenance. Dude.

"Try one of the aisles past the cosmetics in Health and Beauty."

No sir, wait. I think you may want to try Lawn and Garden with that thing. That's quite a beard; may I suggest taking a gander at a nice pair of hedge shears?

Now I understand why he said beard maintenance. This wasn't just your typical grizzly bear scruff of a beard, or a 5 o'clock shadow (and by the looks of it, he probably grows a 5 o'clock at noon). This was definitely the beard of a guy who takes his beard seriously - jet black, fluffy, and evenly distributed about his face.

Beard maintenance.

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Marcy Magoo: Snake Whisperer

I watched Late Night with Jimmy Fallon the other night for this post.

He had an animal expert on his show who happens to be quite the hyper little fellow. This guy brought several different animals, one of which was a rattle snake. Correction: HUGE rattlesnake. Before I proceed, have a gander at this short clip from that episode of Late Night.

I don’t know about you, but I’m with Jimmy on this whole snake hook thing. So you’re telling me that this 3 foot pole with a little hook on the end is supposed to protect me while I manhandle a giant angry rattlesnake? And this Grabber pole that Billy Mays endorsed to save the world from lower back pain is supposed to assist me in getting this monster on the hook? Seriously? You might as well use a pair of serving tongs and a toothpick! Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit, but I just don’t see how these snake handling tools are safe with today’s standards. Time for a trusty Google search: How to use snake hooks. This gave me Professional Snake Handling Tools and Techniques. Here’s what I found in a chestnut:

1. People practice these techniques on toy snakes.

2. This site says “When picking a snake up with a hook, aim roughly for the middle of the body and lift. Be careful not to stab the snake with the hook. Try to be slow and gentle. A snake is less likely to slip off the hook if you can get it all the way off the ground in one smooth move.”

a.       I say:

                                                              i.      When learning how to handle a snake, I don’t want to be told to “aim roughly” for anything. I would like precise and exact directions. Thanks.

                                                            ii.      “Less likely to slip off” … ?!?!?! … Duh! It’s a sthlithery sthneaky sthlippery little sthnaaaake! ON A HOOK!

            iii. "if" .......such a large word for only having 2 letters.

3. “Some snakes will not stay on a hook for more than a few seconds, so that may be all the time you have to decide where to put it down.”

a.       I say: See 2.a.ii

  4.  You can use a combination of common household items if the  cavemen  professional tools are not available. Common household items include: broom/mop handles, shovel, wire hangers, plastic gallon jugs, duct tape, etc.

a.       I say: You can find me standing on top of something screaming like a maniac. I don’t have professional tools, and I will most certainly NOT rig my own snake trapping apparatus.

  5.  Keep a safe distance when handling snakes

a.       I say: Yeah, no $*!#, Sherlock.

b.      Sherlock says: Elementary, my dear Watson.

  6. “You will find that the more you master the knowledge of ‘Snake-Jitsu’, the easier it is to just walk up to a snake and calmly gain immediate control of the animal.”

a.       I say:

                                                              i.      ‘snake-jitsu’ … haha

                                                            ii.      ‘the easier it is to just walk up to a snake and calmly gain control’ …  *Eh. Wrong!* Never. Please refer to 4a.

                                                          iii.      Let’s pretend I did master this knowledge of ‘snake-jitsu': 

Mr. Snake: “I’m a sthnaaaaake.”

Me: “Hey, Mr. Snake. What’s up? I’m gonna gain control and move you over here in this pretty mesh bag with this shiny hook. Ya dig?”

Mr. Snake: “I’m a sthlippery little sthnaaaake.”

Me: ...whispers...“No, shhhh. Don’t move.”

 ... dramatization ...

In sum: Even though there are proper tools and handling techniques for moving or capturing snakes, you will find me running for the hills and leaving that mess to the professionals.

P.T.

R.I.P Billy Mays… I miss you yelling me into a mindless, mouth-agape daze where I snap back to reality 45 minutes later realizing I’ve just watched an infomercial for some newly invented product that I kind of want, but certainly don’t need. I wish I had a pirate ship and a tug boat so I could test out that Mighty Putty.

P.T.T.

 I wonder if Captain Hook was a snake handler.

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