Mystery Solved: The Crusade of The Midnight Potty Perpatrator

Let's start this chat with a little Marcy Logic, shall we?

I work in a 46 (forty-six) story building with at least one men's and one women's bathroom on each floor (I say "at least" because The Man has his own en suite Princess Potty ... and if our own Man has his own can, I would imagine there are a few other boss mans in our building that won't take a leak among the public). In each ladies' restroom, there are 3 stalls. Now because I don't use the men's room, I'm going to go out on a limb and say for all intents and purposes, the men's bathroom has 3 stalls too ... plus probably a few gross urinals, but we'll leave those out of the equation. So we have at least 276 working toilets in the building. Our office up in the sky has anywhere from 30-50 people on any given day. I think only once during actual business hours have I ever had to wait for a stall to open up ... and we have quite a few females in the office. I understand that other floors are probably set up to fit more employees, so there may potentially be time to play the waiting game and maybe give your best potty dance a go.

Furthermore, when we first moved into our office back in August, our floor had been vacant for quite some time. So naturally, one could expect for the other building tenants that sandwich our floors to take a quick trip up/down the stair well and use the bathroom on our floor. But wouldn't it also be reasonable to think that once the floor becomes occupied, they would stop infiltrating our territory? I mean, I know the hydrant has already been marked, but it's ours now. Beat it! I remember some random lady that didn't work with us walking in as I was washing my hands saying, "Oh! Someone is actually on this floor now?" Yes ma'am. Now fly, fly, little birdie. Spread the word! Almost one year later, and people are still using our bathroom. I mean, it's probably not technically ours since it is out in the hall, outside of our doors, but we have the whole floor. And we pay rent. It's just ours, okay? Hmph.

One other restroom nugget (ew, that didn't sound quite right) for you to ponder is that our bathrooms have motion sensors. So after X amount of motionless time in the bathroom, the lights go out. A week or so ago, I got up to go to the bathroom. I opened the door, and the lights were off. I continue walking in quite content because I knew that meant no one had been in there for a while (i.e. no weird smells) and no one would be in there. I go into a stall, and just as I'm contemplating my latest potty pondering, I heard another toilet flush and the toilet paper rolling. Ok, wait ... *head tilt* ... I thought I was alone. The lights were DEFINITELY out. And I DEFINITELY did not hear anyone else come in behind me. Was this person peeing in the dark? Oh. OOoooh. Oh, Lord. I'm not sure at which point the lights go out, but how long had this person been in there? Oh, no. I had to get out quick before she assaulted my olfactory senses (not that ladies do that). I washed my hands and got the hell out of there. I was also afraid that she would come out while I was at the sink (even though I was curious who it was) and there'd be that whole extremely awkward moment like "I totally just caught you waging war under the cover of darkness."

Just this week I had another encounter with the Midnight Potty Perpatrator (I like nicknames, ok? They're fun and they come in handy). I walked in and the lights were definitely off. I go in to do my business, and heard another toilet flush. Only this time, she beat me to the sink. IT WAS SOMEBODY FROM A DIFFERENT FLOOR!!!! Can we just talk about this for a second? Am I the only one who finds it odd / a little rude that she felt the need to launchWorld Wars III & IV on our floor? I mean, I guess she didn't want the humiliation of her own co-workers catching her in the act ... in the dark ...  but really? Seriously? If our floor was still vacant, bomb away. But, please, PLEASE I BEG YOU, use your own floor's bathroom. Or become The Woman of your company and get your own Princess Potty. Thanks and Gig'em.

Tweet

The Royal Wedding: Holy Brow!

In case you were living under a rock last Friday, Kate Middleton wedded Prince William at the Westminster Abbey on April 29, 2011, in front of the Queen and thousands of their closest guests (and the entire world ... so if this is breaking news to you, you really were living under a rock.) Kate was a beautiful blushing bride and William was the giddy grinning groom. I must admit that I didn't wake up at 3 A.M. to watch the royal couple exchange vows live, I was resting up so I could turn another year older - it's kind of exhausting, you know. So I watched a little bit of the coverage of their big day on Saturday, and boy, was I glad I did.

 WHAT IS THAT?! CHECK OUT HIS EYEBROWS!!!

Can we just talk about this for a minute?

I would have been thoroughly upset had I missed this. This picture doesn't even do those crazy brows justice. I originally saw those squirrel tails on NBC in HD as the camera man panned the Abbey and circled around the royal couple and padre for different views. Let me see if I can find a close up for you. Google time!

I'm ready for my close up!

Holy Archbishop of Canterfurry, Batman! ... What? ... How? ... I just ... ah ... uh ... DUDE! HIS EYEBROWS!

Now, if Her Royal Highness has declared a dress code for such royal events, you'd think that would include a little personal grooming, no? Go get those bad boys under control, Padre! WOW! How does one even get their eyebrows to do this? And, why? The higher the hair, the closer to Heaven I guess, but sheesh! Those are some crazy brows.



Sources:
The Royal Wedding
I'm ready for my close up!

Tweet

Yia Yia Black Sheep, Have You Any ZZZs?

As I was lying wide awake in bed last night, I thought of the old wives’ tale about how counting sheep will help you fall asleep faster. Why sheep?

I frequently feel like the girl in this comic strip before I fall asleep- questioning why we do the things we do and wonder what it would be like if we did it some other random way. Okay, fine, Yia Yia … I’ll humor you just this once.

*DRAMATIZATION*

I was in a large, green, clover-filled pasture leaning against a big rock, with my buddy Sam Sheepdog, while we kept watch on our sheep jumping the fence. Well, I only got up to No. 8 because No. 9 was vertically challenged and couldn’t quite clear the fence. Can I get a mulligan? Sheeps 1-8 hopped back over and round two begins. I gave No. 9 a pep talk and told him to take a longer running start. Thirteen sheep are now successfully on the opposite side of the fence, but now No. 14 is chasing a squirrel, sheeps 15 and 16 are fighting, and I just found a note that said little Jimmy Johnson took No. 17 to the rodeo for the World Championship Mutton Bustin’ Contest. I decide to let them duke it out and just come back to counting them later. What number was I on? Oh yes, 18 – 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23 … Hey, 27, stop tripping 24 and get back in line!  Dammit 25, how many times do I have to tell you? It’s OVER the fence, not through it. Now I've got the rest of my sheep taking off through the big gaping hole. Splendid! Can I get a new flock? This isn't very relaxing at all. I can’t sleep.

Wait a tic, why did I let them jump the fence in the first place? Aren’t I supposed to be herding them? Where do they think they’re going? These old wives’ husbands must have been really pissed off at them for letting all their sheep go. Someone has some ‘splaining to do.

Can I please trade my sad excuse of sheep for a fun flock of fleece like this one?

P.W.

Can we just talk about that nursery rhyme “Baa Baa, Black Sheep”? That tune sounds all too familiar … oh, that’s right! We’ve heard it before in Twinkle Twinkle Little Star AND The Alphabet Song! Next time someone uses that little ditty for a nursery rhyme, can we maybe get a little creative and drop a bass line in there or something to spice it up a bit? Just sayin'. Thanks.

Sources:

Found this comic strip nugget here.

You can find Yia Yia here. Opa!! That face kinda made you chuckle a little, no?

Here's where I found Sam Sheepdog and the big boulder we were leaning against. Remember him?

This video of the awesome flock of sheep was part of a cool Samsung campaign (linked in their press release) announcing their 2009 LED Electronic line up. Check out the story.

Tweet

One, Two, Three, For

Fourty  Forty dollars and 00/100 cents. 

Four, fourteen, forty, four hundred, fourth. 

WHY is forty not spelled f-o-U-r-t-y?  I’m pretty sure if Forty could be a contestant on Wheel of Fortune, he’d like to buy a vowel. Ok, I know. There’s a rule for everything in the English language … but there are also exceptions to every stinking rule. Why can’t forty be the exception in this case? 

Google time! Today's query took me to a Yahoo! Answers forum (read, Pandora's Box of crazy answers and opinions).

WARNING: This little nugget triggered all kinds of thoughts and questions.

1. Sweet Lincoln's Mullet, John P ... you're a genius! You must have many leather bound books and your apartment must smell of rich mahogany. Oh, you're just blowin' smoke and pulled that explanation out of thin air? Well, it makes sense to me, my friend.
2. Which came first - the number '4' or the word 'four'? Or, 'for'?
3. When you use a number in formal documents, why do you have to spell out the number in parentheses, or vice versa? Was someone once confused when they saw the number? I mean, I'm all for having different options, (Sidenote: this is why we ladies  tend to  always over-pack our suitcases. Well, that, and we're indecisive.) but is it really necessary, other than for pronunciation's sake, to make a number into a word? Memo: Please bring 2 (two) forms of identification. 2? Oh, TWO! I thought you meant 9.You can't take the numbers away - could you really imagine doing math with words? Yikes!  Solve: Thirty-nine plus four. OK, thirty nine ... plus four, carry the U, is ... Forty-three ...(43).
4. Speaking of pronunciation ... to, too, and two. Why isn't "two" pronounced "t-woo", and why'd they pick a 'w' of all letters to be silent? The person who spelled bologna must have made that choice.
5. Are silent letters silent because they're deaf? Or, mute? Or, silent because they're sneaky and ninja-like?
6. Is your brain hurting yet? Watch this.
7. Apparently, the addition of the 'u' is supposed to change the pronunciation. If the proper way to say the 'ou' in four is supposed to make a different sound than the 'o-without-the-u' in for, I don't hear it (but I've also got a bit of a twang sometimes). People often pronounce 'for' as 'fer', and 'four' as 'for', due to laziness. Go ahead and practice that one.
8. If there is no other word that sounds like "forty", WHY can't you just make it "fourty" with a U?
9. OK John P, this is where your theory flaws. If sour is s-o-u-r, and four is f-o-u-r, why doesn't four sound like sour? Or vice versa - sour like four? Plus, there's no word sourty. Type that in Word and it will squiggle it red!
10. If vice versa means to reverse the order, what if you vice versa'd vice versa ... versa vice? Would that cancel the reverse and make it straightforward? Nothing in my mind right now is straightforward, so I guess you could kind of say it's in a state of vice versa (and sideways versa).
11. All of this talk about reversing makes me want to play Uno. Ha! What if Uno recalled every "Reverse" card and replaced them with "Vice Versa"?
12. Can we please just make an amendment to the Chronicles of Spelling and Grammar? I know these rules are etched in stone tablets and are kept in Bermuda, but can't you just add "Fourty" as an acceptable way to spell out 40? (That's the real reason why ships and planes disappear when they approach the Bermuda Triangle - they start their voyage in hopes of changing these Chronicles, but the second they pop up on the radar, the Lords of Language laugh at their petty attempts at reform and smite them into ashes. Just kidding. I totally made that up.)
13. Speaking of the Lords of Language, I'm pretty sure the one who made 'syllabi' the plural form of 'syllabus' suffered from a lisp. Just sayin'.

P.W. Did you know the number forty is the only number in the English language that is spelled in alphabetical order? Check it.

P.T. Maybe that's the real reason the 'U' is left out. Hmm!

Tweet