Coco Want a Cracker?

I've never owned a bird as a pet, but am I the only one who thinks it's odd to put up a lost sign for a parrot? I mean, I guess Texas isn't swarming with wild parrots, so I could imagine a parrot would stick out like a sore thumb compared to all the other gross birds flying around and tagging our cars ... but how exactly does one find a lost parrot? Furthermore ... and I apologize for the next question because it's probably stupid, but again, I've never had a pet bird - will it answer if I start yelling its name? Can I play Marco Polo Coco with it? Will it just be taking a leisurely stroll down the boulevard? I don't have a bird cage, will a cardboard box suffice as long as I poke holes in it? Can you put a leash on a bird? Is that even humane? Pretty sure it's not.

Oh by the way, I was at Kroger last night and there was a dude walking out while I was walking in, talking and laughing out loud while pushing his cart of goodies to his car. I thought maybe he was on the phone using his bluetooth because he had both hands on the cart, but I think Coco was on his shoulder talking back to him! I'm confused. Either Coco is still lost and just landed on the lucky shopper's shoulder as he was walking to his car, or Coco's owner is CooCoo and takes his bird to the grocery store with him. If that's the case, I'm a little concerned about Kroger's policies on bringing pets into the store ... unless Coco is a seeing eye bird (or whatever service birds are used to help people with). Then I guess it'd be okay because its perfectly legal. And I guess that's why Coco's owner put up a lost sign ... and why the reward was $1000. Mystery solved. I think.

P.T. Is that why pirates with eye patches always have parrots on their shoulders?

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Mystery Solved: The Crusade of The Midnight Potty Perpatrator

Let's start this chat with a little Marcy Logic, shall we?

I work in a 46 (forty-six) story building with at least one men's and one women's bathroom on each floor (I say "at least" because The Man has his own en suite Princess Potty ... and if our own Man has his own can, I would imagine there are a few other boss mans in our building that won't take a leak among the public). In each ladies' restroom, there are 3 stalls. Now because I don't use the men's room, I'm going to go out on a limb and say for all intents and purposes, the men's bathroom has 3 stalls too ... plus probably a few gross urinals, but we'll leave those out of the equation. So we have at least 276 working toilets in the building. Our office up in the sky has anywhere from 30-50 people on any given day. I think only once during actual business hours have I ever had to wait for a stall to open up ... and we have quite a few females in the office. I understand that other floors are probably set up to fit more employees, so there may potentially be time to play the waiting game and maybe give your best potty dance a go.

Furthermore, when we first moved into our office back in August, our floor had been vacant for quite some time. So naturally, one could expect for the other building tenants that sandwich our floors to take a quick trip up/down the stair well and use the bathroom on our floor. But wouldn't it also be reasonable to think that once the floor becomes occupied, they would stop infiltrating our territory? I mean, I know the hydrant has already been marked, but it's ours now. Beat it! I remember some random lady that didn't work with us walking in as I was washing my hands saying, "Oh! Someone is actually on this floor now?" Yes ma'am. Now fly, fly, little birdie. Spread the word! Almost one year later, and people are still using our bathroom. I mean, it's probably not technically ours since it is out in the hall, outside of our doors, but we have the whole floor. And we pay rent. It's just ours, okay? Hmph.

One other restroom nugget (ew, that didn't sound quite right) for you to ponder is that our bathrooms have motion sensors. So after X amount of motionless time in the bathroom, the lights go out. A week or so ago, I got up to go to the bathroom. I opened the door, and the lights were off. I continue walking in quite content because I knew that meant no one had been in there for a while (i.e. no weird smells) and no one would be in there. I go into a stall, and just as I'm contemplating my latest potty pondering, I heard another toilet flush and the toilet paper rolling. Ok, wait ... *head tilt* ... I thought I was alone. The lights were DEFINITELY out. And I DEFINITELY did not hear anyone else come in behind me. Was this person peeing in the dark? Oh. OOoooh. Oh, Lord. I'm not sure at which point the lights go out, but how long had this person been in there? Oh, no. I had to get out quick before she assaulted my olfactory senses (not that ladies do that). I washed my hands and got the hell out of there. I was also afraid that she would come out while I was at the sink (even though I was curious who it was) and there'd be that whole extremely awkward moment like "I totally just caught you waging war under the cover of darkness."

Just this week I had another encounter with the Midnight Potty Perpatrator (I like nicknames, ok? They're fun and they come in handy). I walked in and the lights were definitely off. I go in to do my business, and heard another toilet flush. Only this time, she beat me to the sink. IT WAS SOMEBODY FROM A DIFFERENT FLOOR!!!! Can we just talk about this for a second? Am I the only one who finds it odd / a little rude that she felt the need to launchWorld Wars III & IV on our floor? I mean, I guess she didn't want the humiliation of her own co-workers catching her in the act ... in the dark ...  but really? Seriously? If our floor was still vacant, bomb away. But, please, PLEASE I BEG YOU, use your own floor's bathroom. Or become The Woman of your company and get your own Princess Potty. Thanks and Gig'em.

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Shoots and Lighters

From time to time, I get a few interesting tenant phone calls. One of our Houston tenants called last week to complain about a series of unfortunate events at his apartment. Now, I appreciate great customer service, so I think it’s important to deliver the same kind of service I would expect as a customer. But sometimes the customers make it so hard to hold in all of the smart-ass comments  (shown in blue) that jingle-jangle in my brain.

Here’s what transpired:

Ring, ring …

“[Blah blue blee blue], how may I help you?”

“Yeah, hai. Ah’m eeun apartment eighteen-nahnteen. Ah wanted taooo make a complaint.”

You know how all you hear when Charlie Brown’s teacher speaks is “womp, womp, womp, wah womp womp?” Well, I didn’t hear that, but all I could hear was “Lieutenant Da-un, I brought some ice cream for ya, Lieutenant Da-un” and “I love you Jen-nay.” Lock it up, Marcy.

“Okay, sir. Which property are you at?”

“Eighteen-nahnteen.”

“Okay, but which property ... what is the name of the complex?”

“Uhh, the one in Houston.”

Oh, jeez. Here we go.

“Okay, sir, we have 7 properties in the Greater Houston area. Are you at *starting at the top of my list* [Blah Blah]?”

“No, the one in Houston.”

Sir, do you know where you live? I understand you’re in #1819 … in Houston … but I’m gonna need you to be a little more specific. We’re not in Kansas anymore, kapeesh?

“Okay, how about [Blah Blah]?”

“No! In HOUSTON!”

Listen, buddy. Houston is the 4th largest city in America. Regardless of whether or not you live inside the actual city limits, if you’re close, most people just say Houston. So forgive me for including these, but unless you can give me a little more direction, spare me the ‘tude dude. I’m just going to keep playing Go Fish. HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE?!?

“Sir, which part of Houston?”

“On the Beltway.”

……………………….. I realize we only have one property just off the Beltway, but can I show you why this response irritated me?

“Ok, so [Blah Blah]?”

“Yeah. That’s it.”

Oh, good. Glad we took 5 minutes to knock that out.

“Ok, sir. Shoot – how can I help you?”

 “Yeah, someone’s been stealin’ mah lat[mumbling]s.”

“…Your lights?”

“No, my laiiighters.”

“…Your ladders?”

“Yeah, I’ve had three laiiiighters stolen. I think it’s every time the lawn crew comes. But I’ve had 2 Zippos and a Bic stolen.”

“Oooh, your lighters. As in cigarette lighters.”

That sounds like an emergency. Maybe you should hang up and call the police.*

“Ok, sir, have you talked to the leasing office there?”

“No, this was the only number I could find. But I’m pretty sure it’s the lawn crew stealing my laiiighters off my patio.”

Here’s a thought, PUT YOUR LAIIIGHTERS INSIDE. Who’da thunk it?

“That’s strange.”

“No, it’s not straaaynge. Someone’s just stealin’ mah laiiighters.”

“It’s uh….just a personal opinion, sir. Let’s try the leasing office there. I’m sure someone will be happy to assist you.”

Seriously? You’re absolutely right, sir. It’s not strange; it’s not strange at all that someone swipes your lighter when you leave it out in the open. Strange would be your lighter growing a pair of legs and walking off after you told him to stay. Day-own Laiiighter. Good boy.

*Additional commentary brought to you by this funny lady.

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The Bachelorette: Season Premiere

It’s that time of year again, folks. It’s time for another round of my favorite “reality” (let’s be honest, it’s not reality at all) show. The Bachelorette is a guilty pleasure that I will fully admit is both lame and cheesy and has zero intellectual value, but is hilarious to watch as the circus that is 25 people competing for the attention of one (THE one, or so they hope) bachelor or bachelorette unfold. Now, I’m not one for drama in my personal life, but it’s perfectly tolerable sitting in my queue of recorded shows when I can pause, rewind, and fast forward through all of the commercials and it stays on the screen. Although, that’d be kind of funny if real-time cat fights had media time-outs like football and basketball. *Ok ladies, commercial break is over – ready, go!*

Who’s the lucky bachelorette this time? Ashley Hebert, the super bubbly (possibly more than a bottle of Dom … but I’ll get to that later) blonde-turned-brunette (because brunettes have more fun) from the last season of The Bachelor. Brad dumped her in South Africa after spending one too many dates reassuring her of his feelings for her. I can’t say I blame the guy, that’d get pretty old.

But as most former contestants claim, it seems (keyword) she’s learned from her mistakes. She’s reinvented herself and is ready to do it right – which is clearly dating 25 guys at once in La La Land and getting engaged after only a few short weeks of sexy-time getting-to-know-you-time in every exotic hot tub under the Aztec Sun with cameras in your face, all followed by a time of Siberian exile until the season finale airs. “Can you feel the love tonight?” (Thanks, Sir Elton for singing that song … it comes in handy.)

Two side notes –
SN 1: According to Elle, a seasoned anthropologist, the Aztec Sun covers a much more random assortment than the regular sun. I can neither confirm nor deny this statement at the moment, but I like it and will therefore endorse it. There will be no further comment.

SN 2: According to Mrs. H, our sorority’s chapter advisor (feared by pledges, loved by the initiated), STDs and other scary things ride around on jet skis in public hot tubs. Stay out. I’m convinced she had something to do with the episode of Glee when we found out how Quinn allegedly got pregnant.


Don’t get me wrong, I do hope these people get their shot at love, but I’m not convinced this is the most practical way to go about it. Look at the track record – the only bachelorette to get engaged on the show and become happily married (with children to follow) was Trista, a fellow Alpha Chi! That being said, let’s get to my reason for watching the show: the commentary. Yes, all the romantical moments on the show are nice, but the commentary on the show between the girls/guys living in the house and also from the bachelor/bachelorette is priceless. I also love the commentary between my friends and family. The only thing that would be better than that is a marathon of VH1-style commentary by the show’s host Chris Harris, the camera crew, and other members of the show. They’ve GOT to have the key to Pandora’s Box. They see all the action live, raw and unedited.

Back to the premeire. Last week, they introduced a buffet of 25 eligible bachelors to Ashley. Can we just talk about the word “eligible” for a minute? When one is considered eligible, it’s usually safe to assume they have met some set of requirements, right? In this case, eligible is single and available to potentially marry. Eligible could also mean fit or proper to be chosen; worthy of choice; desirable. 

… This is me laughing.

I guess like beauty, eligbility is in the eye of the beholder because WOW, some of these guys are an undesirable trip! (Ok, gentlemen readers, before you go getting your panties in a bunch, let the record show I am an Equal Opportunity Commentator; MANY of the girls seen on The Bachelor are just as insane. Crazy knows no gender.) 

Shall we meet a few of the bachelors?

Ames, 31
Portfolio Manager from NYC
Please check out his bio here so we can discuss.

1) I’m sorry, but even if that were my most embarrassing moment, I would not have that published on the WWW!

2) Of everything you could choose to bring on a deserted island, THOSE are the three things you’d bring? Hello, what if your deserted island is absolutely nothing but an island of sand? Some portfolio manager you are. You’ve just committed two of your three eggs to a broken basket. Whatcha gonna do with those tools on your sand island? I’m afraid to ask what you’d wish for if you were given three wishes.

3) And on the 7th day, he rested.

4) I’m sorry, but the question was “What do you wish we had asked you?” … as in your response should be Jeopardy-style in the form of a question, not “Pretend you’re Barney Stinson and toot your own horn here.” … THEN maybe you could tell us more about your amazing skills … Although it’s true that every girl is crazy ‘bout a sharp dressed man, and bow ties are making a comeback (just ask President Loftin), nobody likes a bragger, Ames.

He also tells us on the show that he has his undergrad from Yale, two masters from Columbia, a doctorate from Harvard, he’s been to 70 countries, and has run in 39 marathons. Oh…AND ultramarathons. What the hell is an ultramarathon? I’m sorry, my checklist requires that you have at minimum three masters and two doctorates, must have been to at least 80 countries AND Pluto AND provide a current shot record (hey, if you’ve been to that many parts of the world, you may have developed some super-bug worse than the Bubonic Plague), be a two-time Iron Man champion, have helped at least 10 elderly women cross the street without getting slammed by their purse, acquired tears from a gypsy, Merlyn is your homeboy and you’ve pulled the sword from the stone, collected one million gold coins and saved Princess Peach from the burning castle all while maintaining your fireball status. It sounds like you’ve been pretty successful in life, cheers to you, but no girl wants to be with a one-upper. Unless the girl is Penelope from SNL; she’s the ultimate one-upper.

Anthony, 28

Butcher from Jersey

He’s not your fist pumping-GTL Guido from Jersey, but rather the unbutton-your-shirt-to-show-your-gold-chain-and-chest-hair, wave-your-hands-in-the-air-and-lay-it-on-thick Italian from Jersey. He makes a big stink at the end because she sent him home. “Oooooh solo mioooooo!”

Bentley, 28
“Businessman” from Tampa
Take a peek at his bio here so we can discuss.

1) If by outrageous you mean insane, then yes, driving 40 hours straight IS outrageous. Why would you want to do that?
2) That is pretty embarrassing, but try tripping at your 5th grade awards ceremony when they call your name to come get your certificates. I think that might be where the longstanding tradition of me falling in public places all started. I’m not embarrassed anymore; I’ve come to expect it.
3) “Baby, how did you know?! This view overlooking the water is beautiful AND it’s 75 and sunny with a gentle breeze coming from the Northwest at 5 mph. The temperature just made this the ultimate date.” Dude, your bio is as monotonous as your voice.

On the show, he confessed that he hoped Emily was the bachelorette (disappointed, are we?). We also learn he is recently divorced and has a daughter named Cozy … Cozy?! I’d leave him too if he named my kid Cozy. They obviously didn’t run their list of baby names by their friends. There are some different “progressive” names these days, but really? Cozy? What happened to giving a kid a good, #winning first name – one that defines character? To quote one of my favorite movies, “If we wanted wussies, we would have named them Dr. Quinn and Medicine Woman!” (Gold star if you know what movie that is from.)

Ashley also has some dirt on this Bentley dude prior to even meeting him. Turns out, one of her friends from the previous season of The Bachelor is best friends with Bentley’s ex-wife and they say he’s only on the show to promote his business (I’m having flashbacks to Ali’s season with the wrestler). Ashley is clearly skeptical and was hoping he didn’t step out of the limo lookin’ like Mr. Debonair, but … CALLED IT! … she’s attracted to him. Yeah, I don’t see it. Strategically edited previews also show Bentley going far in the competition and breaking her heart. We’ll see how that actually unravels. Oh yeah, did I mention “he’s not overly attracted to her, but is a good competitor” and “he’s gonna break Ashley’s heart, he just hopes his hair looks good”? Dirt bag.

Mickey, 31
Chef from NY

His intro was uncomfortable to watch. He tried to imitate Chantal’s intro from the last season of The Bachelor by saying he had something from all of the men in America. Ashley immediately flinched because Chantal’s “something” was a slap to Brad’s face. Then, Mickey goes in for a full on, eyes-closed kiss while Ashley pulls her best Matrix move. Being the gracious woman she is, Ashley laughs it off and dismisses him into the mansion. He of course comes walking in and tells the guys that he kissed her. Ummmm, no you didn’t. You TRIED to kiss her. Access denied. But anyway, the night goes on and he must have made up for it because he gets a rose. It just goes to show you that it’s all about the recovery. By the way, did anyone else want to sing “Hey, Mickey” when the camera would cut to him? … ‘cause he’s pretty fine!!

Jon, 26
E-commerce Exec from Washington
Read his bio here, and we’ll chat.

I wonder what he thinks of Schwarzenegger now! Jon Boy didn’t receive a rose from Ashley and was eliminated. After the rose ceremony, they show almost four different scenes of him walking through the mansion and courtyard as opposed to the normal one or two before they give their final words (why I notice these things, I have no clue). Jon finally makes his way outside and is pretty emotional about his dismissal. He goes on and on about how he knew so much about her and had so much in common, and it’s just so hard to walk away (because I’m lost in this giant mansion courtyard). Ok, look. What you “know” is just from watching her on a previous season (which was edited) and maybe a couple of hours at a cocktail party. Sure, maybe you thought you had a connection, but she wasn’t feelin’ it. You really don’t KNOW her like you think you do – no need to get emotional about it.


And then we have my two favorite tragedies:

Tim, 35
Liquor Distributor from NY (*Foreshadowing …DUN DUN DUNNNN!*)

This Slick Rick gets out of the limo and does this weird stammer/pause as he walks towards Ashley (and it didn’t look like it was because he was blown away by her beauty). Pretty sure Tim was pre-gaming too hard in the limo. Then he proceeds to guzzle his way into a drunken stupor on a pool-side bench and is startled when Ashley walks up to him. She tries to have a conversation with Tim but can’t understand anything and he admits that he is drunk. Later on in the evening, Ashley finds Tim PASSED OUT on a couch by the pool snoring like the 3:10 to Yuma. I mean, this guy was GONE! She repeatedly says his name and tries to nudge him awake, but he doesn’t budge. I would have pinched his nose ‘til he woke up, or given him a quick slap … just a lil love tap … to get him going. She then gets smart and recruits a few other gentlemen from inside to help her out, but once he wakes up (drunker than a skunk) she sits down in front of him. Move, sweetheart – you’re in the projectile zone! Needless to say, she sent him packin’ and had the guys help him out to the limo.

Now for his bio … read it here.

1) Procrastinates, wakes up grumpy (and drunk), and has a tendency to overspend (on alcohol).
2) The 3 things he would really bring – Jim, Jack, and Jose.
3) Passing out drunk at a Bachelorette cocktail party and getting sent home BEFORE the rose ceremony. Yikes, buddy!

Jeff The Mask Phantom ... Batman, 35
Entrepreneur from St. Louis Creepytown, USA
Here's his bio; take a peek.

If you’re waiting for his picture to load, don’t hold your breath. This guy stepped out of the limo in a black mask because he wants to take his face out of the game. In theory, that’s respectable … but really? This look worked for Michael Keaton and George Clooney, but please don’t try this at home. Maybe if you had picked a more festive mask and revealed yourself prior to the rose ceremony, you could pull it off, but it just came across kind of creepy. He gets a rose – surprise, surprise! I’m convinced the show pays to keep the “good-for-tv-drama” people around longer. Remember Kermit and Weather Boy? And Michelle and Fang Girl?

There was also a direct relationship between Tim and Batman- the drunker Tim got, the more Batman creeped him out. Good times.



I can’t wait to see what the rest of this season has in store. If you watch the show, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Who do you think will make it to the final two? Leave some commentary here, or become a fan of Marcy Monologues on Facebook and join the conversation Mondays at 7pm CST during The Bachelorette! You can also check out all of the bachelors and watch full episodes here.



P.W.
If Chris Harris hosted my blog, I would have him sign off like this:

… Serious moment music and dramatic pause. Cut to the last red rose remaining …

“Marcy … dear friends and strangers … this is the final rose tonight … Marcy … when you’re ready.”



All pictures in this post courtesy of ABC

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Pretty Moments

Sometimes, people say or do dumb things ...

Example:

Visitor: You know you guys aren't listed in the directory downstairs?
Me: Oh, really? No, I didn't. Thanks. I'll have that checked out.
Visitor: Yeah, so then I tried looking [him] up under Individuals, but I couldn't find anyone there either.
Me: Well, I would imagine if we aren't listed as a company in the directory downstairs, our employees wouldn't be individually listed either.
Visitor: Oh, yeah ... that's true.

(Of course it is.)

And sometimes it's so far beyond a blonde moment the only thing you can say is "you're pretty" - as in, "I'm not sure where your brain just ran off to, but at least you're pretty." You don't want to draw attention to their brain fart with mean insults, so you give them a "compliment".

Example:
I walked into the mail room and a co-worker was trying to run an envelope through the postage machine, saw me, and asked for help.

Co-worker: Oh, good! It's you! Can you show me how to work this?
Me: Sure, of course.

I walked over to a blank screen ... (Seriously. Seriously? Really? I know it all looks pretty vague and makes loud noises, but it's not THAT difficult!) ... and pressed the power button.

Me: You're pretty. It helps when you turn the machine on.

I can't make this up.

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Checking In

We're off to an early start, ladies and gents. This is promising. Let's review the scene of the crime, shall we?

There are 50 large LCD screens clearly marked "Bag Drop: Customers who have checked in". I stepped in line, as 1) I have indeed already checked in, and 2) I need to drop my bag off. A lady unbeknownst to me walks up, "Hello." I oblige, "Good morning." Now, if I'm lyin' I'm cryin' (and I ain't shed a tear), but the lady then asked, "Do you see a sign for baggage drop?"

............................

"Ummm, yes ma'am, right there."

And there, and there, and there, AND THERE, AND THERE, AND THERE! Really? You're pretty.

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