Shoots and Lighters

From time to time, I get a few interesting tenant phone calls. One of our Houston tenants called last week to complain about a series of unfortunate events at his apartment. Now, I appreciate great customer service, so I think it’s important to deliver the same kind of service I would expect as a customer. But sometimes the customers make it so hard to hold in all of the smart-ass comments  (shown in blue) that jingle-jangle in my brain.

Here’s what transpired:

Ring, ring …

“[Blah blue blee blue], how may I help you?”

“Yeah, hai. Ah’m eeun apartment eighteen-nahnteen. Ah wanted taooo make a complaint.”

You know how all you hear when Charlie Brown’s teacher speaks is “womp, womp, womp, wah womp womp?” Well, I didn’t hear that, but all I could hear was “Lieutenant Da-un, I brought some ice cream for ya, Lieutenant Da-un” and “I love you Jen-nay.” Lock it up, Marcy.

“Okay, sir. Which property are you at?”

“Eighteen-nahnteen.”

“Okay, but which property ... what is the name of the complex?”

“Uhh, the one in Houston.”

Oh, jeez. Here we go.

“Okay, sir, we have 7 properties in the Greater Houston area. Are you at *starting at the top of my list* [Blah Blah]?”

“No, the one in Houston.”

Sir, do you know where you live? I understand you’re in #1819 … in Houston … but I’m gonna need you to be a little more specific. We’re not in Kansas anymore, kapeesh?

“Okay, how about [Blah Blah]?”

“No! In HOUSTON!”

Listen, buddy. Houston is the 4th largest city in America. Regardless of whether or not you live inside the actual city limits, if you’re close, most people just say Houston. So forgive me for including these, but unless you can give me a little more direction, spare me the ‘tude dude. I’m just going to keep playing Go Fish. HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE?!?

“Sir, which part of Houston?”

“On the Beltway.”

……………………….. I realize we only have one property just off the Beltway, but can I show you why this response irritated me?

“Ok, so [Blah Blah]?”

“Yeah. That’s it.”

Oh, good. Glad we took 5 minutes to knock that out.

“Ok, sir. Shoot – how can I help you?”

 “Yeah, someone’s been stealin’ mah lat[mumbling]s.”

“…Your lights?”

“No, my laiiighters.”

“…Your ladders?”

“Yeah, I’ve had three laiiiighters stolen. I think it’s every time the lawn crew comes. But I’ve had 2 Zippos and a Bic stolen.”

“Oooh, your lighters. As in cigarette lighters.”

That sounds like an emergency. Maybe you should hang up and call the police.*

“Ok, sir, have you talked to the leasing office there?”

“No, this was the only number I could find. But I’m pretty sure it’s the lawn crew stealing my laiiighters off my patio.”

Here’s a thought, PUT YOUR LAIIIGHTERS INSIDE. Who’da thunk it?

“That’s strange.”

“No, it’s not straaaynge. Someone’s just stealin’ mah laiiighters.”

“It’s uh….just a personal opinion, sir. Let’s try the leasing office there. I’m sure someone will be happy to assist you.”

Seriously? You’re absolutely right, sir. It’s not strange; it’s not strange at all that someone swipes your lighter when you leave it out in the open. Strange would be your lighter growing a pair of legs and walking off after you told him to stay. Day-own Laiiighter. Good boy.

*Additional commentary brought to you by this funny lady.

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