Elevators

It's too bad you can't call for an elevator like you reserve tables at a restaurant.....

"Yes, elevator for one, please?"
"Smoking, or non?"
"Um, non-smoking please. Actually could you make that for two, and a conversation-allowed elevator? No heavy perfumes, please."
"Coming right up. And would you like an express stop or a connecting ride?"
"Just get me an elevator that goes to the first floor!!!"

Elevators should definitely NOT be equal opportunity- and by this I mean that if you have issues with body odor and/or detecting one's own body odor and/or you smoke, you should have your own elevator- especially for the long rides to the top, or(!) elevators should be equipped like planes with oxygen masks that drop down from an overhead compartment. In the event there is a change in cabin odor, yellow oxygen masks will deploy from the ceiling compartment located above you. To secure, pull the mask towards you, secure the elastic strap to your head, and fasten it so it covers your mouth and nose. Breath normally. Even if the bag does not inflate, please keep in mind that oxygen is flowing. Please make sure to secure your own mask before assisting others. There is one exit to the front of the elevator *insert flight attendant directional point here*. Please exit the elevator in a calm and orderly fashion. If you are not able to exit on an intermediate floor, two buttons may be found on the panel for Air Freshener (AF) and Deodorant (D). This overview should be given while you are waiting to board an elevator on the main floor and include other commonly known elevator issues. Elevators should also have dots on the floor that light up and tell you where it's appropriate to stand after a certain number of people are on. Hasbro needs to team up with Otis ASAP because they could take a whole new level of Twister to the BANK! **Left foot yellow, right foot green. Hands to yourself. Make normal small talk now.** Seriously, where the heck did universal elevator rules come from? Why don't they apply to other modes of public transit like stairs, escalators, moving sidewalks, or cars? But, buses and subways? We get just as weird on those as we do elevators. Why?! And who decides which person will be driving the elevator. I'm all for having elevator attendants again, but they should be more like flight attendants. Informative and to the point.

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